Defying Gravity
by jay.142
Summary: Dating for two years Edward is completely in love with his boyfriend. They had been through so much together and were finally thinking about taking the next step. How will he react when he finds out Jasper isn't exactly who he thinks he is? Deals with FTM homosexuality, transexuality, transphobia, homophobia, violence and mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: This story contains homophobia, transphobia, Female to male transexual, transgender, sexuality, course language and violence. Please do not read unless over 18. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. **

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Defying Gravity

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As a young child I didn't have a concept of gender, and I had never even heard the word 'identity'. It didn't really occur to me that the world was divided into male and female – boys and girls; men and women – or that there were different sets of expectations for each. I just existed. When I was old enough to talk, I called myself a girl because it's what I was supposed to do.

It's what the world told me I was.

The problem with that is I know that's not what I am.

Growling, I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock as it pierced the silent morning. I groaned, rolling over, trying to ease the stiffness in my back. Fuck, why did I let Edward talk me into going to the gym yesterday? My phone buzzed, signaling a text message. Sighing deeply I stumbled out of bed, blindly reaching for the light switch to illuminate the darkness.

Nine-thirty the red numbers blinked.

Edward would be here in an hour. Looking into the mirror I told myself that today was the day. I am going to tell Edward about my transition from female to male. A thick lump formed in my throat when I thought about what his reaction might be. Clenching my fist I tried to believe that he'd be accepting, that the love of my life would say that he didn't care and he would be with me no matter what. However, I learned that the harsh reality of the situation was that Edward was completely gay. He loved men, dicks, balls and cum. And even if I had none of those things yet, it still didn't mean that I was any less a man than he was. Every day for two years I swore I'd tell him and every day for two years I chickened out at the last minute.

The truth of the matter was that Edward would never want me once he realized what I was.

Grabbing my toiletries I went into the bathroom to shower. It had snowed so much over the last couple of days that I worried he wouldn't make it here safely. Once I was done I went to the sink, lathered up my face and shaved. Washing out all of the hair in the sink I snatched my breast binder that hung over my towel rack. Sucking in a deep breath I tightened the straps, satisfied, I pulled on a gray V-neck long sleeve sweater and then I slipped on a pair of baggy blue jeans making sure the top of my Hugo Boss underwear, showed.

Looking at the time, I rush over to my night table and took out my 100% silicon flesh colored dildo packer and stuffed it into my underwear. It's soft, giving the illusion of a real cock and it's not as rigid as others made from different materials are. Silicone dicks warmed to body temperature, and can vary in their firmness; density and they are molded to feel more life-like. I rearranged it quickly before I ran downstairs to grab breakfast. I tensed when I saw my parents already there, Carlisle reading the paper, while Esme manned the waffle iron. Alice was already seated, helping herself to some waffles that my mom had laid out on the table.

"Morning," I mumbled as I took a seat beside Alice.

Carlisle offered me a small forced smile, whereas Esme ignored me completely.

"Hey," Alice said bouncing in her seat. "Edward, coming over?"

"Yup," I said, stacking up a few waffles. "We're going to have a Call of Duty marathon. Also some of the other guys might come over. It'll be a total sausage fest."

She wrinkles her nose. "Gross,"

I laughed. "Are you still going to Bella's?"

"Nah, she's coming here. You know she'd never pass up a chance to stalk Edward," She smirked.

"She always forgets that he's gayer than a three dollar bill and _taken_,"

"Yes, Edward and Jasper sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-,"

"Enough," Esme cut in. "I don't want to have talk like that at the table."

I snorted. "Talk like what?"

"Just stop it Jasper." She spit at me.

Rolling my eyes I dug into my food, mood already sullen because of her shitty attitude. I tried not to provoke her but no matter what I said she would always look at me with abhorrence. I managed to wolf down one waffle before the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," I said, although I knew my parents didn't care. Opening the door Edward strolled right past me, throwing his coat onto a chair in the foyer.

"So, I brought Call of Duty Black Ops 2, Grand Theft Auto 4 and Halo. Emmett will be here around noon and he's bringing three of his controllers, Mike and Tyler will grab the pizza. So, we have some time for a little fun," Hooking his arm around my waist he hummed, capturing my lips in a deep kiss. His fingers were ice cold as he gripped the skin under my shirt making me shiver. I blush when he pulled his hips flat against mine, a mischievous smile dancing on his lips. "Fuck, you are adorable."

Squirming out of his touch I try to keep a straight face. "Edward, my parents are in the next room,"

"Oh, yeah," He muttered. "Your asshole homophobic parents, fine, let's go down stairs baby, I've missed you so much."

I chuckled. "It's only been two days,"

"Two days of self-loving," He pouts and then leans close to my ear. "I need your mouth on my cock. I'm already so hard for you." Clutching his crotch to emphasize his point. Rolling my eyes I led the way to our finished basement, complete with a 60-inch flat screen TV, sound system, Pool table, Xbox Kinnct, Wii and PS3. The brown leather couch is just large enough to fit five hulking teenage boys. Edward shoves me down on it, cover my body with his and he easily slots between my legs. .

When we first got together during our junior year, it had been all about the shy kisses, sweet touches, longing glances from across the room. Now, two years later Edward is rutting his erection against my legs as his tongue darts quickly back and forth into my mouth, trying to devour my lips. Greedy hands gripped my shoulder blade, trailing up and down my chest, thankfully keeping the strokes above the waist. He breathed me in, catching my lips in a light kiss. I kissed him back and ran my tongue over his lower lip, our breath came in shorter pants and my hand started lagging lightly up his forearm. Edward wrapped his fingers around the base of my neck, trailing them over the base of my sensitive hairline. Wasting no time he cupped my jaw, angling my face away from him, sliding his tongue up my neck in an agonizingly slow drag. I reacted, pulling myself closer to Edward's body and sucking his tongue back in my mouth, I continued sucking on it as it moved in and out of his lips in a flawless, tempting rhythm.

"Mmh—you—" Edward whispered as I pulled back a little.

"What?" I breathed, leaving long, wet kisses across his smooth jaw and then biting the other his earlobe. Edward's hand tightened at my neck abruptly I inhaled the warm scent that was his skin, already feeling his dick begin to thicken beneath his jeans.

"I can't believe I've—lasted this long without you." He mumbled.

It's an out of body experience, when my leg hitched around his driving us closer. His fingertips clutched at my skin, I felt the air brush against my hip bone and we moved like one solid unit, with Edward I am soaring.

"God, I love you. I want you so badly," He moaned, increasing his jerky hip movements. Hot breath in my ear makes me dizzy; my fingers dig into back. Seizing his short cropped hair I crash his lips into mine. Being consumed by Edward is overwhelming and frightening. His passion is so intense; it engulfs me, setting fire to my veins.

I am lost to him.

However, when his hand cups my crotch I flinched violently away from him. My eyes flew open and I gripped his wrist so he can't go any further. Edward stared down at me, his face coiled in frustration. Finally he sighed, rolling off of me. We both pant wildly; the room was still spinning from our intense make out session.

"How long are we going to do this?" He asked, quietly.

My heart thundered in my chest. I know the right thing to do is to tell him that he can't touch me there. Not because I don't want him to or because I don't desire him, but because God fucked up when he made me a girl instead of a boy.

I stay silent, anxiously fiddling with my sleeve.

"I love you," He promises, when I look up at him I can see his eyes blazing with truth. "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable…But, how long do you expect me to wait? Fuck, all we've done are blow jobs and hand jobs, you won't even let me touch you!"

"I'm not ready," I blurt out.

"We have so much time to figure this stuff out but I need you to talk to me. What exactly aren't you ready for? The only way you are going to become comfortable with it is if we start to move forward, how about I look at it, but we don't have to touch each other. Or I can watch you jerk off-"

Abruptly I stand, my hands shaking with nervousness and irritation. Fuck, how do I tell him? For years I had felt like I was in the wrong body, like I was living somebody else's fucked up life. How do I tell him about Esme struggling to hold me down so that she could put my long dirty blonde hair into pigtails or braids; then forcing me to wear those God, awful clothes; frilly dresses and skirts that got stuck everywhere; tights that made my legs fucking itch; and shoes with heels that are impossible to run in.

Or about our constant arguments streaming deep into the night about why my dresses were cut and ripped to shreds, just days after she purchased them. Finally fed up she granted me permission to just wear pants, baggy shirts and tomboy hats. It's just a phase, she'd muttered to me and one day I'd grow out of it.

But I never did.

I could barely articulate that at the age of nine, after days of bemoaning and grounding me for weeks, she finally got me into a dress. I complained loudly that it was uncomfortable and I felt silly – like I was wearing a costume, she fixed me with a hard glare and I shut up. And soon after I stopped protesting, my cries of injustice turned silent because I could see that the dresses made my mother happy and I wanted her to be proud of me.

When I turned ten I found out boys were way more fun to play with than girls. They tackled, play sports, get dirty and don't fret over stupid things like hair and nail polish.

There was no way to express the hysteria of waking up one morning about a month after my twelfth birthday panicking because suddenly, as I stood naked in front of the mirror, all I could see was how so much has already happened. I knew it would keep happening. All at once this was real and it felt so, so _wrong._ I fucking hated what my body was turning into and because of that revulsion I felt inexplicably betrayed by it. All the other girls seem to be welcoming the changes. Even Esme is excited about the prospect of buying my first bra for me, but the thought of it was terrifying.

I never understood why I couldn't just be like everyone else.

I tried to tell my mother about it one morning over breakfast, but she told me it's normal to be a little scared about leaving my childhood and to just hang in there, it will get better. This didn't help me. Claustrophobic and trapped in my own body, like each day was a nightmare that I keep hoping to wake up from.

The stranger I saw reflected in the mirror every day wasn't me.

I could never disclose to Edward that when I finally did come out, Carlisle sat stoic, emotionless in the living room chair. While my mother sobbed into her handkerchief. The solution to this problem was therapy, because only they could interpret why their little girl wanted to be a _boy_. In their rich suburban country club world there was no room for flaws or imperfections. So when I was diagnosed with Gender Identity disorder and they were told that maybe they should look into hormonal therapy based on their assessment, Carlisle finally caved and decided to pay for male hormone therapy for me. When I was thirteen, I switched schools, _Jasmine_ was changed to Jasper and I started high school officially as a boy.

So, when Edward looks at me; eyes wide, beseeching to tell the truth I know I can't. "Why are you pushing this?" I snapped.

"We've been together for two years! I want to be able to at least touch you," He barked.

"Well, if you're so horny why don't you find some twink to bury your cock into!" Instantly I regret the words as they leave my mouth.

"Is that what you really think?" Emerald eyes widened with indignation. "Christ, I want to fucking marry you, I don't give a shit about sex."

We stared at each other, both equally stubborn refusing to back down. The doorbell rings pulling us back to the real world. Edward's face softens and he stands to his feet.

"Just talk to me, baby," He implored. The bell chimes again this time with an insistent pounding. "Let your parent's get it,"

Holding his gaze for a few seconds I drop mine to the floor. "I have to get it," I mumbled, before turning away from him. I race up the stairs just as it rings a third time and opened the door for Emmett.

"Jesus," He cursed as he walks through the door with a bag of controllers. "If you guys were going to fuck today why didn't you just say so? I would have given you more time."

I laughed. "You know how much we like an audience."

"Yeah, yeah, you gays are always trying to turn the straight boys. Well, good thing I'm taken. Plus, I don't think you could handle me." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"I will during the game." I quipped.

"Bring it on, Whitlock," Emmett challenged.

Three hours, four boxes of pizza and a gallon of soda pop later the five of us are playing Call of Duty.

"What the fuck?" Mike screamed as he is shot to death. "You did that on purpose McCartney!"

"It's not my fault you can't shoot for shit, Newton,"

"Jasper, your controller is a piece of crap," He pouted.

"Don't blame the controller on your shitty aim-Fuck!" I bellowed when I blew up the enemies' camp site.

"My man," Edward smiles leaning over to peek me on the cheek.

"Eww," Tyler said. "Can you keep the gayness to a minimum? Some of us are trying to concentrate!"

"That's not what you were saying last night," I snarked.

We all burst out laughing, as he grumbles about how unfair the game is. Hours later, when the sun had set, the guys had yawn and stretch before grabbing their coats to go home.

"My mom is going to kill me," Tyler said as he looks at his wrist watch. "I was supposed to be home three hours ago,"

"Yeah, same," Mike agreed, as he threw his coat on. "Merry Christmas guys," They call as they exit through the front door.

"You riding with me, Eddie?" Emmett asked.

"Nah, I have my own car, Merry Christmas man," Edward said to him but his eyes never left mine. Snorting Emmett leaves, the silence in the foyer is defining. Vaguely I can hear the TV on in the living room so I know Carlisle is up.

"Come here," Edward finally says. Cupping both sides of my face he smiles, his bronze hair shining in the light. "I'm sorry,"

I blanched.

My mind screams at me tell to him he has nothing to be sorry for, I'm the one who lied. Ducking my head my eyes fall to the floor as the culpability makes me feel ashamed. "You didn't do anything wrong,"

"I pushed you, for that I apologize." He pressed our lips together in a languid kiss before breaking away. "I have to go,"

"No," I said hooking my finger into his belt loops. Growling Edward stole a few more sweet kisses, laughing when he leaned away and I chased his lips.

"I'll call you tonight,"

"Fine," I grumbled, watching him put on his coat, he left shortly after. Running upstairs to my room I jumped onto the computer and began to Google FTM top surgery. I really wanted to go Seattle to get my surgery done because it isn't offered here in Forks. I sighed when I read all the testimonials, health complications and costs. The downside of surgery were things like infection (most infections are readily treatable), bleeding (generally well controlled during surgery), fluid collection, bad scars (wide, lumpy or discoloured, for example) and healing problems (leading to unexpected scarring). Most plastic surgery involved two sides of the body and they are never totally identical with or without surgery. Sensation can be altered by surgery. For instance, loss of nipple sensation is a risk of many breast procedures. I didn't really care about the loss of sensation in my nipples because it wasn't a big deal.

I wanted the top surgery so that I could remove my breasts and create a more masculine appearing chest. Reading more of the testimonials my heart swelled as the people who had top surgery said that they were finally able to get on with their lives, now appearing the way they felt they should, they felt more confident.

That was what I wanted more than anything, to look how I felt I should.

Although, one problem was looming over my head, with Carlisle's background and notoriety as a good doctor this surgery wasn't covered on our insurance, it was treated like fucking cosmetic surgery; therefore the money would have to come from my parents. The total cost of top surgery was between $80,000 and $100,000, which includes all post-op care and minor revisions that may be needed in the first few years. Plus since I'm not eighteen I required the consent of both parents and two letters of recommendation from mental health care professionals.

Fuck, all of this just to become who I truly was?

I knew my therapist would sign hands down, but I'd need to talk to another one, get their assessment just so that they could sign off on it. Slumping in my chair I tried not to get too discouraged but everything seemed so daunting. If my parents refused to pay for it then I'd be stuck in this fucking body until I could afford it. Sighing I pulled my shirt off and looked down at my flesh colored breast binder. When Edward and I make love I want to be the man he desired, I want to be the one to fuck him. I had heard horror stories of FTM bottom surgery and decided that I wouldn't want to go through that, there were other ways to still fuck him.

Pulling the breast binder over my head I threw it on my dresser as I stripped down to my boxer shorts. Taking a baggy t-shirt from the clean laundry basket I crawled into bed. Tomorrow was a big day that I wasn't particularly looking forward to. All of my relatives were coming to visit for the Christmas holidays.

The thing I hated most about the Whitlock family was that half of them where southern republican's, while the other half were northern republican's. When I had come out they practically disowned my family. My grandfather never spoke to me again, while my grandmother was convinced that all I needed was Jesus Christ.

Aunts and Uncles were the absolute worst.

They made my life hell with all the gossip they spread like wild fire. No, I was definitely not looking forward to their visit. Every year it was the same thing, they'd bitch and moan about how they didn't understand how I could go against nature to be a boy. Most of the time I'd nod, pretend to be listening while grinding my teeth together. Being ostracized by cousins didn't help much either, that usually left me alone for the wolves to descend. Reaching over to my nightstand I fingered the dog tags Edward had given me last Christmas. It had our names on it with a very small, hardly visible inscription that read forever.

Seeing this always gave me courage; I know I'd need it for tomorrow. My phone buzzed and I picked it up quickly.

"Hey you," Edward said.

"Hi, baby,"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just…."

"Oh, you're family coming over? Listen if you want me there I can get away-"

"No, Edward you missed Christmas last year because of my shitty family, you shouldn't have to do that again."

"Babe, why don't you just come to my house this year? I'm sure your homophobic family won't mind."

I sighed, Edward thought they were homophobic, he didn't really know the half of it.

"Might as well get it over with, I only see them twice a year,"

"Okay, well if you need me please call me."

I hummed non-committal.

"Jasper," He whined.

"I just don't want to have to depend on you every time they start riding my ass about being gay."

He sighed deeply.

"I want to be able to handle things on my own." I continued. "Anyway I should go baby, early day tomorrow."

"Alright," He muttered. "I love you,"

"Love you too,"

Then I hung up.

Things between us are so strained now, I know Edward is exasperated by our lack of a sex life but I just can't bring myself to tell him, at least not yet. Turning off the light I pull the covers over my head, waiting for sleep to find me. Most nights I am so overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing that I can't even succumb to darkness. There are so many people in the world that hate me for what I am, I couldn't imagine if Edward turned out to be one of them. Finally when, exhaustion weighed down too heavy I descended into slumber.

Floating; out of body, above earth and sea.

I am defying gravity.

0-0-0

The next morning I awoke to the alarm clock.

It was after nine so I decided to get dressed and ready for the day. Grabbing my dog tags I kissed them before I placed them around my neck. I would need a lot of courage to get through today. After I injected the needle of male hormones into my buttocks, I walked to the kitchen. I tensed when I saw Esme rushing around, putting the last minute preparations on the ample, stuffed turkey. The counter-top was a complete mess with dough, cake batter and various assortments of food, including potato salad, warm bread rolls, sizzling smoked ham and mashed sweet potatoes.

"There you are," Esme said as soon as she saw me, without greeting me good morning. "I need you to go to the store with your father to pick up some things for dinner," She shoved the piece of paper at me. "Make sure you get everything on the list, you know how your father likes to get side tracked."

"Sure, mom…" I said awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck. "Need any help before I go?"

"No, your sister will help out in the kitchen." She stated. Sighing I grabbed some cereal and ate breakfast in total silence. It was quarter to ten when Alice danced into the kitchen.

"Morning sweetheart," Esme greeted, with a big cheerful smile. "Would you like me to make you some breakfast?"

"No, thanks mom," She said pouring some milk into her cereal. "I'm good,"

"Okay, honey,"

"So," Alice smirked, sitting down in front of me. "Are you going to bring Edward tonight for dinner?"

"No, I don't want a repeat of last year." I muttered.

"Speaking of repeats," Esme said. "I want you guys to be on your best behavior for our family tonight….especially you, Jasper." She added harshly.

"Me?" I asked, astounded.

"Could you please attempt to be less….you and more…Like the person we raised you to be."

I snorted. "What the hell does that mean exactly?"

"Watch your tone," She growled. "Now, your grandfather and grandmother have agreed to come this year for Alice's sake. They don't want her to grow up not knowing who they are. All that I ask is that you keep your…thoughts about your _transition_ to yourself." She spat the word like it was filth.

Despite my hard exterior I had to admit that those words stung.

"So, you want me to hide who I am?"

"No, I am simply asking that you be tolerant of other people's views. They are very old fashioned they don't understand these _things_,"

"These things…? This is what I am mother."

"Stop twisting my words," She demanded. "Everything I say you transform it into something transphobic or whatever it is you people call it."

"You people?" I asked incredulously. "You are so damn ignorant-"

"Jasper," Carlisle's stern voice said as he entered the kitchen. "Respect your mother and lower your voice."

My eyes darted between the two of them disbelievingly. I knew my mother had never accepted my transition but her blatant contempt and vicious ill will made me raging mad. However, now was not the time to point out her boorish behavior. Scoffing I threw my dishes into the sink before getting my coat from my room. Sending Edward a quick text I went back down stairs only to find my father waiting for me. Glaring at him I stalked out of the house towards the car.

The silence in the car just made me angrier. Why the fuck was I being punished for being who I truly was? The insanity was the world we live in, a world where gender defined who you are and what you could do regardless of qualifications.

Crippling acts of masculinity and femininity that somehow dictate what is considered the norm for how people could act. Once we got to the grocery store I jumped out of the car and we hurriedly shopped for everything on her list. I saw a few girls whispering and looking at me as we were in the soup aisle. I didn't shave this morning so I had a bit of stubble covering my jaw and neck. They giggled when I smiled at them. Turning around I looked at Carlisle only to find him observing me curiously. When we got to the car we loaded all the groceries and started driving home.

"Your mom is just struggling with this," Carlisle finally said.

"I've been trans for three years, how much more time does she need?"

"A lot more, you should give her a break every once in a while. She doesn't mean to be so harsh with you."

"That's crap we both know it. She's barely spoken to me since I've come out."

"Jasper-"

"And neither have you." I barked, soon all of that fury was back like a forceful tidal wave of fucking injustice.

"We are both trying to deal with this the best way we can-"

"I'm not a fucking problem," I spit. "I shouldn't have to be dealt with."

"Language," He said sending me a sideways glare. "We've done our best to deal with the situation, Jasper. Things don't always happen right away, they take time and in this case lots of time and acceptance."

"Whatever," I mumbled, crossing my arms willfully Checking my phone I saw that a few text messages had come through. Turns out Edward had left his games and controllers in my basement and he needed them to entertain his cousins. Glancing at the time I quickly texted him back saying that he could come over. When we pulled into the driveway I helped my Dad carry the bags into the kitchen, we unpacked them together as my mom and Alice were busy baking. We assisted them with cleaning up the kitchen, my mom barking orders at everyone to hurry up because people would be here in a few hours. As soon as the house was spotless and acceptable I run upstairs to take a shower before Edward comes over. Taking off my shirt I threw it in the dirty laundry basket, along with my baggy jeans. I placed my silicon flaccid cock on my dresser beside my breast binder.

Inside the bathroom I shower hastily not trying to think about all my Aunts and Uncles smug conservative faces when they see me. It was like I was some abnormal thing that needed to be fixed or taken care of. They never considered me an actual person. Stepping out of the shower I wrapped a woolen towel around my body, letting my hair air dry. As soon as I came back into the room my eyes locked with green ones.

Edward stood at the dresser holding the flaccid dildo in his hand.

In the flimsy towel my protruding breasts were very visible, along with my obvious girl physique. He blinked, eyes wide and disbelieving he dropped the dick like he had been scalded. I nearly choked as all the air rushed out of my lungs. Disgust and confusion twisted on his face as he continued to gawk at me.

"It's not what you think," I said forcing the words out.

Abruptly he lurched forward ripping the towel off of my body. Edward fumed his lip curling in revulsion as I stood completely naked in front of him.

"No, Jasper," He spat enraged. "It's exactly what I fucking think." Giving me one last look he stormed out of the room. Tears fell from my eyes and when my brain caught up with my body I scrambled to grab the towel to cover myself before chasing after him.

"Edward, fuck, wait!" I yelled. "Just let me explain!" but once I got into the hall I heard the front door slam shut. My knees gave out and I fell onto the floor, curling into a ball sobbing. Covering my mouth to muffle my cries, I tried to get a hold of myself but the look in his eyes, such pure abhorrence shattered my heart.

"Jasp-what?" Alice said coming up the stairs, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Come on, let's get you dressed." I clung to her bawling so hard I could barely think; my body trembled as she pushed clothes into my hands. Through a haze of tears I managed to get dressed and look presentable. "He found out didn't he?" She sighed, as we both sat on my bed. "Look Edward loves you, he'll be back you'll see."

"No Alice," I spat, sniffling. "You didn't see the fucking hate all over his face,"

"Shhhh," She hushed. "He'll be back," Wrapping her arms around my shoulders she held me as I cried. The air rushed out of my lungs as the comprehension of what just happened dawned on me. Edward saw me naked. He saw the body that wasn't meant for me. I wanted to scream in agony, punch the wall and beg him to come back. However, it was all for nothing because he was gone. My gut wrenched, and I bawled into her arms, clutching onto Alice for dear life. Edward had been my anchor, my reason for being and without him this world seemed so much more dismal.

0-0-0

Esme called Alice down to help set the table just when the doorbell rang signaling our guests. Giving me one last hug she hurried to go get dressed. Rubbing my eyes I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked like hell, face all red with my eyes swollen and it just made me want to break down all over again. Instead I stood up, straightened my festive green and red striped sweater and went down stairs.

The first to arrive were my Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Peter and their two obnoxious kids Amber and Mark. When I came into the living room they greeted me somberly, while they fawned over how beautiful Alice looked. Esme and Carlisle sat proudly together on the couch while they indulged her in compliments.

"God, your hair!" Charlotte gushed. "So hip, you know Amber wanted to grow her hair that length too,"

"Thanks, Jasper is the one who suggested I grow it." Alice said, trying to include me into the conversation. I smiled gratefully at her.

"Well…That's wonderful." She muttered sarcastically. "Esme, your house is exquisite! Do tell where did you get those drapes from? I got mine at this little store down the street…."

They got caught up talking about the furniture, drapes and whatever the fuck else middle aged women found exciting.

"Do you have any Bourbon lying around?" Uncle Peter asked, "I could use a drink. Let us men retire to your study room Carlisle and leave the women to their discussions," He chuckled.

I moved to follow.

"Jasper," Esme said sharply. "Why don't you go show the kids your new video game?"

"Fine," I said taking the kids with me downstairs. I showed them a race car game that wasn't too violent, sat them in front of the TV and let them play.

"My mommy says you're an ab-bom-ination!" Amber said struggling with the pronunciation of the word, as she held the controller awkwardly in her tiny hands.

Your mother is a cunt.

"Did she?" I said feigning interest.

"Yeah," Mark butted in. "My grandpa says that you're unnatural and should be killed, just like the rest of them,"

"Do you know," I said as calmly as possible. "What happens to ill-mannered boys and girls who talk about things they don't understand? They get eaten in their sleep!"

They both flinched, throwing the controllers onto the ground and sprinted up stairs. I knew I was going to get in shit for that but I didn't care. I hated when parent's pushed their fucking narrow-minded views onto their children, like they can't think for themselves. Grinding my teeth together I tried to keep my emotions at bay but not even taking deep calm breaths could sedate me.

This is what it felt to be totally alone.

Nobody fucking cared what I was feeling or how my insides were being torn apart bit by bit every time they excommunicated and exiled me for being nothing short of myself. I heard the doorbell ring and I threw myself onto the couch, palming my face. I didn't think I could take any more of their snarky comments, but my parent's dismissal was the worst. A few tears fell from my eyes and I swatted at them angrily. It was like they were beckoning me to trust them and when I finally did they let me down.

Curling my hand into a fist, my heart exploded in my chest and I broke down hard. Sobbing into my hands I cried. Mostly for the little girl I couldn't be, for Edward, and for the acceptance that was too far out of my reach. After a few moments of hyperventilating I managed to pull myself together. Smoothing the wrinkles out of my shirt I stood, trying to draw courage from somewhere deep to get through the evening. Standing I turned around only to find Carlisle at the bottom of the stairs.

I wondered how long he had been watching me. We stared at each other before he finally broke the silence.

"Everyone's here so it's time to eat." He said, awkwardly shuffling his feet, he looked like he wanted to say something else but stopped himself.

Nodding I followed him back upstairs, brushing away the residual tears. The dinner table was set beautifully, a big stuffed turkey sat as the centerpiece as various foods were placed around it. My grandfather Anthony sat at the head of the table and grandmother Elizabeth at his side. While my mother's three sisters, Aunt Kate, Tanya and Irene occupied the seats beside Alice. Uncle Garrett and Aunt Michelle sat beside Charlotte and Peter, with their kids in between them. The rest of my cousins busied themselves talking with each other but they all stopped when Carlisle and I entered the room. They barely acknowledged me when I sat down. Grandpa stood to make a toast.

"Well, look at how everyone has grown. I just want to say a few words before we eat all this wonderful food Esme has prepared. First off, let us thank the lord for us all coming safely together over the Christmas holidays and the people said, Amen," They all echoed Amen.

I rolled my eyes.

The food was passed around quickly and I ate quietly as they chatted to themselves.

"Could you pass the mashed potatoes _Jasmine_?" Aunt Kate asked.

Ignoring her I continued eating my food. They all fucking knew I didn't respond to Jasmine anymore, I had explicitly told them to call me Jasper. Everyone stilled to watch what was going to happen next.

"Jasper," Esme said, politely, although there was an edge of irritation to her tone. "Pass your Aunt some food."

"Sure," I said without look at either of them. "As soon as she addresses me by my proper name,"

"I did," Aunt Kate said rudely. "Your birth name is _Jasmine_ so that is what I am going to call you,"

I snorted. "Well then I guess you can get up and come get the mashed potatoes because I'm not passing them to you."

"See, this is what happens when you let children become defiant," Charlotte muttered to Peter.

"Jasper, pass your Aunt some food." Carlisle said tiredly.

"Carlisle," Grandfather chastised, "You cannot encourage this insanity. Call her by her given name,"

"My given name is Jasper-"

"Do it now," Carlisle snarled.

Begrudgingly I picked up the bowl, passing it to Aunt Kate as she smiled smugly.

"So, Jasmine," Tanya said. "Alice said you have a boyfriend…?"

"Yes, I am gay," I muttered.

"See, that's what I don't understand. If you're a girl then having a boyfriend it's normal right?" Aunt Charlotte injected. I glared at both of them.

"You need to take her back to church, get the bible back into this house," Grandpa said loudly. "The devil is the master of this earth he will do anything to try to bring our children into the gates of hell. Well, I'm not giving up on Jasmine. If you let her come live with us we can put the fear of god back into her,"

I scoffed. "You people are all the same, spouting the _holier than thou shit_. People like you always seem to forget that Jesus hung out with prostitutes, murders, and thieves the lowest of the low. Not stuck up ass-"

"Enough," Carlisle bellowed. "You _will_ hold your tongue, Jasper."

I stared at him astounded. They wanted me to sit there and smile while he literally attacked everything I stood for, everything that I am. Suddenly I wasn't very hungry, so I pushed my plate away and left the table. Sprinting to my room I quickly packed a bag with all the stuff I would need to last me a few days. Throwing my coat on, I snatched my keys and stormed down the stairs with a duffle bag in hand.

"Where do you think you're going?" Esme said, as she caught me in the foyer.

"Out," I barked, pulling on my black timberland shoes.

"Stop embarrassing us like this!" She hissed, trying to keep her voice under control.

"You're an embarrassment to me!" I snapped. "They are tearing me apart in there and you expect me to just sit there and take it? What kind of a mother are you!? Why can't you defend me for once?"

"Stop, we are not having this conversation right now."

"Damn right we aren't," I said marching out the front door. Jumping into the car I rev'd up the engine and drove to the one place I knew would accept me not matter what. Parking in the driveway I approached the small cozy house of the Cullen's. Knocking on the door I waited anxiously, wringing my hands together. It was freezing out, fresh snow still falling from the sky, although it looked beautiful, inside I felt as cold as ice.

"Jasper…?" Mr. Cullen said. "Come in son,"

"Who is it Gale?" Mrs. Cullen called from the kitchen.

"It's Jasper," He said back, ushering me inside the warm house. Re-adjusting the strap on my duffle bag I smiled weakly at them.

"Oh," Mrs. Cullen gasped. "Jasper, it's late. What are you doing here?" We shared a look before realization dawned on her. "Your parent's again? Hmm, well you can stay of course. Edward is in his room"

I thanked them graciously before following the familiar route up to Edward's bedroom. For years since I came out I had been coming to his house when I couldn't handle my parent's anymore. My heart slammed in my chest when I reached the door. I knew Edward was furious with me, but I needed him so badly. Quietly I knocked on the door, sighing when I heard shuffling around before it opened. His eyes widened when he saw me and quickly his face transformed into a deep scowl. Looking at my duffle bag, then back at me he nodded slowly and let me into his bedroom. Making myself at home I sat on his bed and toed off my shoes, while Edward watched from the other side of the room at his computer desk.

With quivering hands I took off my jacket and sat facing him. Opening my mouth I wanted to say that I was sorry and that I hoped he'd forgive me, but no words came out. Burning tears fought their way out of my eyes and I couldn't stand the silence between us.

"Say something," I said abruptly and he glared at me. Fisting my hair I bit down hard on my bottom lip as the tears broke free sliding down my face. Shaking with sobs I hunched over so that he wouldn't see how tormented I was or the gut wrenching pain that I'm in. Precipitously I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder. "I'm so-sorry," I bawled.

"Shhh," He said quietly. "You know how much I hate it when you cry,"

I sniffed loudly, swatting at the tears.

"Why did you lie?" He asked softly.

"Because I was afraid you wouldn't accept me,"

"Jasper," He sighed. "I will always accept you no matter what. Here," Reaching over to his dresser he pulled out a small dark blue velvet box wrapped nicely with a silk satin bow. "Open it,"

Taking it from him I untied the ribbon and then opened it. Nestled inside the rich delicate padding were two silver rings.

"They're promise rings," Edward muttered. "I got those months ago and I wanted to give them to you on New Year's Eve."

"Edward…"

"Stupid I know," He said snatching them back. "Now that I look at them I feel more and more like an idiot."

"No," I said shaking my head vehemently. "You aren't I'm the one who lied! I should have told you the first day we met,"

"Yeah, you should have,"

"I was just so scared-"

"Christ!" he barked, standing up. "All those times we were making out, you always made me think it was my fault that we never took our relationship to the next level!"

"I'm sorry! I just… I wasn't comfortable with that part of my body….I'm a guy born with female parts…I hate the way I look down there…It's wrong," I explained and when he didn't respond I looked at his face. "Edward, I love you and….I need to know…If can you accept me for who I am,"

"Of course," He reassured hastily grabbing my hands he sat back down beside me. "I'll accept you no matter what. It's just…A little overwhelming right now."

"That's okay. Don't be afraid to ask me any questions," I said.

"Alright, well my first obvious question is when did you know?"

I snorted. "When I was nine, Esme kept trying to dress me up in dresses and girly shoes but I would hide from her all the time. Then after fighting with me for so long she finally gave up and let me wear whatever I wanted."

"Who else knows?"

"Just my family, now you,"

"When did you start the transition?"

I smiled. "Um, fourteen was when I started the hormonal treatment so right before I started high school I told my parents that I wanted to legally change my name to Jasper."

He nodded because he had seen it on my driver's license.

"I know this is a lot, but it doesn't…" I desperately tightened my grip on his hand. "This doesn't have to change anything between us. I'm still the person I was before…You just know more…"

Pensively he stared blankly at the carpet. As the silence grew, I felt my nerves come back in full force. My heart pounded against my chest, as my worst fears were suddenly becoming true.

Edward didn't want me anymore.

The realization felt like ton of bricks hitting me all at once in the chest. My eyes welled up again, as the hope I'd had earlier was crushed into nothing.

"I don't think so," He said barely audible.

"No," I shook my head, tears falling faster than I could stop them. "Please, don't Edward you're all I have left-"

"I'm not all you have left." He gripped my chin forcefully so that I had to look into his deep green eyes. "You have a lot of people who would accept you for who you are."

"Jasper, I'm _gay_ and I know you're a man…But you aren't a man, at least not yet. I'd wait for you, God I'd wait for you," He promised. "However, even if you did become one there's just no guarantee that I'll still-"

"I understand," I said brusquely, dropping his hand from mine I shuffled away from him, creating some physical distance between us.

"That doesn't mean I love you any less," he added quickly.

"That's fine." I dismissed, swiping at the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. "Look, I'm really tired. Do you mind if we just call it a night?"

"Uh-what?" He stuttered. "Yeah, sure,"

I took off my long sleeve t-shirt, ignoring his eyes on me and curled up on his bed under the covers. Edward turned off the lights before climbing into to bed with me. I relaxed when his arms circled around my waist, his deep breath in my ear.

"I'm sorry," He said.

"Yeah...Me too,"

Before it was barely dawn I crept out of Edward's room.

I had left the dog tags that he had given me the year before on his dresser. Being caught in his embrace right now was just too painful. Sighing I drove to the nearby park, stepped out of my car and laid down on the roof.

Snowflakes fell from the sky almost as if they had a life of their own they swayed and danced freely. Hugging my coat closer to my body I watched the sun rise slowly. The clouds still hovered around making the park look more ominous than it seemed. Closing my eyes I imagined my life, full of love and beauty if I had just been born properly. Carlisle taking me to baseball games, we'd talk about sports and he'd show me how to tie a tie properly and get ready for a date with a handsome young man.

I stayed out there until my fingers were numb.

I stayed out there because if I didn't the images would soon evaporate.

Then I'd be back to deal with the pain and suffering that is reality.

Weary-eyed, with an extremely dry throat I finally made my way home. It was still early in the morning so when I came back the house was completely silent. I snuck into my room glad that all the relatives were gone and we'd be back to some semblance of normalcy.

Once I'm in bed, deep under the covers I remind myself to breathe.

Just breathe.

0-0-0

The rest of the holidays were spent in a haze of wordless arguments with my parents.

They were upset with the way I behaved at Christmas but I could not have cared less. Parents are supposed to be the ones to protect and watch over their kids. I was the fucking victim and yet they continually dismissed their prejudices. Going back to school was way harder than expected. I thought that by now everyone had gotten the news that Edward and I had split up. On the first day back Emmett patted me on the shoulder offering a small smile.

"You okay, man?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm alright." I answered tightly.

"You know, out of all the couples here I thought you guys would be the ones to make it."

"Emmett, please-"

"Whatever the problem is just fix it, I've never see Edward happier than when he is with you."

"Something's just aren't meant to be," I mumbled. "So, how was your break?"

He observed me. "It was shit. I got a call at fucking three am from Edward asking where you were. Then he spent the whole break at my house getting drunk and bitching about how much he loved you and how he wished it was enough."

Pinching my nose with my index fingers I sighed tiredly. "Let's just drop it,"

"Fine," He muttered. "I got to get to class anyway. See ya," He stormed down the hall toward's his classroom. At around lunch time I got my food and was about to walk to my regular table when I saw Edward sitting there. Awkwardly I approached the table; Mike, Tyler, Emmett and Eric were all sitting around making jokes.

"Where ya been Whitlock?" Mike said cheerfully. I guess they didn't know about the break up.

"Nowhere man," I said as I sat down. How was your break?"

They all started talking excitedly at once. I tried to listen to them all but I was too focused on the conscious effort it took to not look at Edward. Unable to stop myself I glanced up at him only to see him staring at me intensely. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his skin was pasty pale, he looked like I felt. Suddenly his hand reached across the table and grasped mine. My heart lurched when he smiled softly at me.

We were going to be okay.

A few days later Edward came by my house with a dozen roses in his hand. I blushed when I answered the door.

"I want to try," He said. "For you I'll try baby,"

Wrapping my arms around his neck I hugged him close. When I finally let go I led him back up to my room so that we could talk. He admitted that he was little uncomfortable with the fact that I wore a fake flaccid dick every day to school. I shared my constant fear of his rejection and insecurities of not being man _enough_ for him.

With constant reassurance that he would try and make an effort to be more open minded and understanding, we ended up falling back into old routines. I was elated to have my boyfriend back. As the weeks went by, when our heavy petting turned more primal Edward started to get curious about what was underneath the breast binder.

On this particular night, our lips crashed together with urgency as we fumbled with our clothing, Edward's hands ran up down my flat chest. Lying on my bed I clutched at his wide shoulders trying to devour his luscious ample lips. Edward always tasted so good, like a mixture of sweat and honey. Tearing off his shirt I felt his biceps flex under my hand and I moaned loudly.

"Shhh," he laughed. "Your parents are home,"

"So?" I gasped, when his large hands clutched my hips. "I want them to hear me."

He chuckled. "Kinky,"

I shivered when his wet tongue traced the shell of my ear. "Jasper, I want to _see_ you,"

Panicking I flinched away from him.

"What?" He asked, hovering over me.

"I'm just…" I squirmed underneath his gaze. "You won't like it, it's not normal and I don't like my…"

"Pussy?" He offered, smiling. "Cunt? Twat? That is who you are, for now at least."

"Well, I just…I don't feel comfortable…"

"Look," He said playing with a few strands of my blonde hair. "I love you no matter what. I will give myself to you totally and completely so you have to promise to do the same."

Biting down on my lip I thought about what he was asking. Sighing with trembling hands I began to take off the breast binder. Edward stared openly when I was finally on display, my small breasts, perky nipples erect, only the dog tags hung between them. Smiling down at me he licked his lips.

"Beautiful,"

I moved to cover them up with my hands but he stopped me, grabbing my wrists. Leisurely he leaned down, pressed his head against my chest listening to my heart beat. "Exquisite," He mumbled.

I laughed, because inside I'm floating, soaring.

_I'm defying Gravity. _

* * *

**A/N:Okay, a few things. First, I am NOT an expert on FTM gay relationships so please forgive any errors just PM me and I will do my best to correct them. Second, a BIG thanks to Beanothercullen for being the best fucking beta ever with helping me research and finding documentaries on gay FTM! Thanks so much! Another shout out goes to Elfprincess for the wonderful feedback provided! Without them this story wouldn't have been accomplished. So this story is probably going to be only four chapters long. I wanted it to be a one-shot but it was way too long:s Let me know what you guys think! Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: This story contains homophobia, transphobia, Female to male transexual, transgender, sexuality, course language and violence. Please do not read unless over 18.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

_Defying Gravity_

* * *

Our hands swung between us as we strolled through the park. Edward looked absolutely adorable bundled up tightly with a bright colored scarf and beanie. The day was chilly, not too cold but the sun was shining and we didn't know when we'd have another opportunity like this so we decided to take advantage. Breathing in the crisp air I smiled affectionately at the man beside me. During the past few weeks Edward had been amazing, asking questions, actively trying to get involved in my everyday life and routines.

It was nice not having to hide the most significant part of me.

"What?" He asked, grinning when he caught me staring.

"Nothing," I replied, softly. "You've just been… incredible these past few weeks,"

He shrugged. "I just feel like I've been missing out, you know?"

"On what…?" I asked curiously.

"On you…I just feel like you have this whole entire life that I didn't know about. I mean this is why your parents are so fucking….intolerant and bigoted….It's just different from them being that way because you're gay….I can sort of see where they are coming from though."

"Wait," I said halting. "You think they have a right to act the way they do?"

"No, of course not, all I'm saying is that I understand why," He answered tugging me along.

"Oh,"

"So the testosterone makes you like Jean-Claude Van Dam?"

"Sort of, just without the accent,"

"I can't say that's unfortunate,"

"You're just a hater because he could kick Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass,"

"Dream on," He scoffed. "That guy is packed solid with muscle, not to mention he's just prettier."

"I know you're a few crayons short of a box but you can't honestly think Arnold 'I'll be back' is better looking than Van-Dam. The guy is ass-face ugly,"

"Fine," Edward rolled his eyes. "But when it comes down to sex I think Arnold would be more primal,"

I pondered that for a moment. "Agreed," Suddenly that got me thinking. "Edward…Um, what do you consider yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know….top, bottom, versatile?"

Looking towards the sky he scratched his neck. "I don't know…Never really thought about it,"

"Come on," I said bumping his shoulder.

Nervously his eyes darted around before they landed firmly on the ground. "I guess…Before I found out….I thought we'd….Switch…"

"Oh," I said mulling over his words. "We still can…you know…"

"Yeah….It just won't be the same…"

I ripped my hand away from his like I had been burnt. A part of me knew he didn't mean to sound the way it did but that didn't make it hurt any less. Every fucking day I was reminded that I wasn't in the proper body; that because of my genitals I wasn't considered a man. And if Edward didn't see me as a man, if he couldn't wrap his head around my transition then we had serious problems.

Edward paused beside me before he finally clued in. "What?"

"It won't be the _same_?" I gritted out.

"Of course not," He shrugged.

Rage exploded in my veins, quickly I spun around and stormed off in the direction that we came. I couldn't believe he had the fucking balls to say that to me when I had barred my soul to him, trusting him completely.

"Wait," He called jogging to keep up the pace with me. "Wait, are you mad or something?"

I stopped him with a hard glare.

"I just meant it wouldn't be the same because….Well….With us it would be different cause you know…" He struggled, fumbling over his words awkwardly.

"No, I don't fucking _know_,"

"Well…It won't," He shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"Great, fucking peachy," I snarled storming past him.

"Wait," He called, running to catch up to me. "I didn't mean it like that-"

"Sure sounded like you did!" I snapped back and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. Something is screaming at me to run far away. My legs propelled me forward and I started sprinting towards his house, pushing air roughly through my lungs. With incredible speed I make it there with Edward not far behind me, avoiding the ice patches I weave through the driveway before a strong arm hooked around my waist. Twisting and turning frantically I try to break free of his hold but Edward is immovable.

"Hold on a second," He barked breathlessly.

"If you don't consider us equal or can't accept me then-"

"I do!" He yelled in my ear. "I meant it wouldn't be the same like any other guys because they just have sex…We'd be making love-OOF!"

I elbowed him in the stomach and he doubled over onto the ground. Just as I was about to play hockey with his nuts, I suddenly realize what he's just said. Making love? When I start to come to my senses I briefly imagine us; tangled limbs on a bed of lilacs listening to soft music as we commit primal acts of love, and lust. Shamefully I look down at Edward who is on the ground clutching his stomach and swearing under his breath.

"Sorry," I mumbled reaching my hand out.

"Jackass," He grumbled taking it.

"I just thought you were saying that I wouldn't be able to…You know….and I would. I could fuck you better than any guy out there," I promised.

"Better than Arnold…?"

In spite of myself, I smiled and then rolled my eyes. "Yes, better than Arnold,"

"Let's go inside because I'm freezing my ass off,"

Grabbing his hand again together we walk towards Edward's house. Letting us in with his key we strip off our coats and I took Edward into the living room to get cozy on the couch. Turning on the TV I put in a DVD and Edward laughs when he sees the credits roll of _Total Recall_.

Reluctantly I look at my watch to see it's almost past dinner time and I would probably need to get home soon. When we approached my house Edward was energetically rambling about a documentary he saw on TLC about strange sexes, which I am barely listening to. I was distracted by the impending doom waiting for me at my house.

My parents were ignoring me.

I know that is strange in itself. I mean how can parents ignore their children? But Carlisle and Esme had barely spoken to me since Christmas, besides a few tense morning greetings they have avoided me entirely. I'm not sure which part stings more, the fact that I'm being punished by their families ignorance or the growing silence of unspoken misunderstands and hate between us.

"You okay?" Edward asked when I've grown quite.

"Yeah…Just….Thinking,"

"Stay at my house tonight." He said with finality.

"No, I can't" I had been at Edward's house three nights in a row. "I'm sure your parents are sick of me by now."

"Of course not, they want you there more than they want me there," He muttered.

I laughed only because it's true.

"So….you'll stay?"

I shrugged, because honestly that would be better than staying at home.

"Great, Lord of the Rings marathon it is,"

"Wait if I stay we are not watching Lord of the Rings, there are only so much sexual innuendos about the power of the _ring_ I can take from that movie."

He chuckled. "Fine, how about Iron Man?"

"Sure, I'm in the mood for mindless action and mediocre plots. I just need to pick up stuff from my house,"

The weather had dropped significantly, the bitter cold started seeping through my gloves so we moved hastily on the sidewalk towards my house. Once we got there I sighed when I saw all the lights on. It was just after six so I knew Carlisle just got home and Esme had started on dinner. With a chaste kiss I told Edward to wait by his car so that I could run into the house, get my stuff and leave as soon as possible. When I opened the door Esme stood there, face twisted in a frown with her apron on.

"Where have you been?" She demanded. Usually her bronze hair was out, freely flowing down her back but now it is tied in a tight bun, and under her clothes I could see she was dressed smartly, in a tight long navy blue skirt and a white blouse. "Your father is having work associates over right now, go change."

"I'm going to Edwards," I blurt out.

Her steel eyes bore into mine making me want to instantly retract that statement.

"Excuse me?"

"I….Uh, I'm going to Edward's,"

"You most certainly are not," She snarls. "You've been there three nights in a row. I want you home tonight, Jasper."

"Why? So you can parade your all so "perfect" family in front of dad's friends?"

She glanced at the living room before back to me, seemly controlled and calm she takes a few steps towards me menacingly. "I said, get dressed. I won't ask you again Jasper or you can kiss all that free time you have goodbye," She turns then, plastering a big _fake_ smile on her face and walks towards the living room.

Gritting my teeth together I unhappily storm outside and tell Edward I can't come over tonight but I'll try for this weekend. We hug and kiss goodbye and when I finally get inside I take off my coat, dragging my feet I walked into the living room. Carlisle is there with three men who look like they've come straight out of Times magazine. They are dressed, crisp and pompously, as if they were so much better than everyone else around them. Luckily, Esme is relentless, constantly asking if they need anything. She might as well be kissing their asses. My father however, seems much more restrained. Grabbing a seat closest to the door I mumble a hello, while Carlisle introduces them smoothly.

All of them look the same, with pretentious looks on their faces and matching suits that look like they were bought from some uppity D&G store on Beverly Hills Blvd. There is one man with black rich unruly hair, smoldering eyes, russet skin named Jacob that catches my eye. He's quite young, the others are in their late thirties, maybe early forties and for some reason his face isn't as haughty as the rest, instead he looks more contemplative, while his co-workers seemed to be trying to intimidate.

"This is Harvey," Carlisle said gesturing to the man on his right. "He is a Neurologist at the hospital and to his right is Sam my boss and his son Jacob who works as an RN in the ER,"

I nod to the three of them hoping to get this dinner over with as soon as possible.

"This is my son, Jasper,"

They greet me politely, although Jacob's eyes linger a longer than necessary. My gaydar goes off rapidly and I smile to myself.

"Now that we are all here we can eat," Carlisle said with forced cheerfulness.

Dinner is a riveting affair, the men bitch and moan about politics, hospital procedures that I could care less about, and general gossip about co-workers nobody else can understand. Alice is intrigued, injecting comments here and there while Esme tries pathetically to infuse herself into the conversation, which the men dismiss her from. Lazily I lean back in my chair waiting for the side-show to end.

"What do you think Jasper?" Jacob asks abruptly tearing me away from my internal monologue.

"About what specifically," I said, unashamed for them to know that I wasn't listening.

"Well, do you agree allowing new unstable technology in the hospitals?"

Do I care?

"Sure," I said flatly. "If it doesn't affect the patients and if it helps, why not?"

Seemingly satisfied with the answer Jacob changed the subject but I could still feel his eyes on me, watching, judging. After dessert I excused myself eager to run up to my room and talk to Edward. Halfway through our Skype conversation there was a heavy knock on the door. Apologising to Edward I logged off and went to answer it, low and behold Jacob stood in front of me, hands shoved deeply in his pair of navy blue dress slacks.

"I'm impressed," Jacob said, charmingly. "Carlisle never mention how handsome his son is,"

I blushed.

"Oh, umm, thanks, I guess." I said rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. How old was this guy anyway?

"So you want to fuck here or in the bathroom? My dad is leaving now so we have to make this quick."

"What?" I sputtered.

"Come on, don't be a tease, spread those legs for me baby. I promise I'll make it worth your time."

I laughed in his face. "Are you fucking crazy? How old are you anyway?"

"Old enough," He growled. "Are we doing this or not?"

"I'll make things real simple for you. Fuck off."

He snorted. "Whatever, you can now explain to your father why he won't be getting a promotion,"

"You're a fucking slimy creep! Tell your father to shove that promotion up his ass-"

"Jasper," Carlisle chastised, he stood a few feet behind Jacob glaring at me furiously. "Apologize right now."

"What-"

"Now,"

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Honestly, Carlisle, you need to teach your children some manners. I just came up here asking for directions to the bathroom,"

"My deepest apologies, it's this way," Carlisle gestures to follow him further down the hall. Rolling my eyes I slam the door shut, trying to forget about the creepy conversation with that old man. I started on my advanced functions math homework. After an hour of diligently working I hear the front door close and Esme called me downstairs. Putting my homework away I walked downstairs to find out what she wanted. When I get there Esme is frantically pacing the floor, her bun slightly messy and her eyes huge.

"This has got to stop Jasper, no more" She barked at me as soon as I entered the living room.

"What?"

"It's bad enough that you flaunt your…_condition_ around but to drag your father down with you that is unacceptable." Her voice raised in pitch as she growled the words.

"Calm down," Carlisle said, coming up behind her he squeezes her shoulder blades. "Do you mind explaining what happen this evening when Jacob came asking for the bathroom?"

"Gladly," I said. "He came onto me like the creep that is he,"

"Really," Carlisle said, disbelieving. "So, you're telling me that a grown man who is married with two children came onto you?"

"Yes!" I said exasperated. "Why would I make something like that up?"

"To hurt us. I mean that's what this whole thing is about you enjoy hurting us, seeing your father be degraded in front of his associates because his son, can't keep it in his pants!"

"I never did anything!" I roared back to her. "Why do you care all of a sudden anyway?"

"Alright, everyone just take a breath. Esme you are exaggerating-"

"No I'm not! You didn't see the way they looked at you Carlisle! The same way our entire family looks at us because…." She slammed her mouth shut.

"Because of me?" I asked, tears stinging my eyes. "Because I'm a freak?"

"Jasper you are _not_ a freak." Carlisle said. "Enough Esme,"

"I shouldn't have listened to you," She babbled, her hands shaking and tears sliding down her face. "I should have gotten her mental help, maybe if she wore more dresses or met the right boy she wouldn't be so confused,"

"There was nothing we could have done," Carlisle said.

"Well isn't that _peachy_," I spit sarcastically, trying to cover up the hurt. "It's very comforting to know that you will never accept me for who I am," I spun around, sprinting up the stairs towards my bedroom.

Once I was safely inside I was numb.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach, I didn't feel the need to cry tears of hurt, yearning for their acceptance. It's something I had always been trying to come to terms with. In my life there will be many people who don't accept me and my parents just might be among them. If that's how it turns out, it wouldn't stop me from letting my own light shine brighter.

It's only now that I see my parents for what they really are.

They aren't monsters, homophobic dictators trying to rule over me with an iron fist, desperately trying to change who I am, so I fit into their perfect society.

No, they were just simply human.

People just trying to make sense of what they'd been told their whole entire life is wrong. Growing up they were taught that there are only two genders and one form of sexuality. They didn't understand diversity or fluidity of gender.

They were totally unaware of it, blissfully so, until it rocked their simplistic world.

0-0-0

"Hey guys did you hear about that _freak_ who wanted to be an WMMA fighter against women?" Mike asked when we were all seated around the lunch table in the cafeteria.

"Who?" Tyler asked.

"There is this guy, or an _it_ who recently had a sex change and wanted to fight against women." Mike said. "The whole thing makes my stomach turn,"

"Really, is that even legal?" Eric said, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"No, shit," Mike replied. "This guy is a fucking dude, it doesn't matter if he's had a sex change or not he will always be a man."

"Agreed, plus if we let one of them fight they'll all want to fight. Men are physically stronger than women so he would beat the shit out of them and no doubt win,"

"It's an unfair fight," Eric said. "God, that shit makes me sick. Why can't they just stick to their own gender? That man must be fucked in the head to want to be a woman."

"So what happened to the guy anyway?" Tyler asked.

"Well, apparently he didn't disclose that he'd had a sex change and they kicked him out after he won his first round by knockout,"

"No shit!" Eric gasped. "So you're telling me that some guy knocked out a girl in the first round and all he got was disqualified? Dude should be in prison," He said outraged.

"Yeah, but he had a sex change so he doesn't _look_ like a dude anymore," Tyler said.

"Biologically he still is!" Eric defended.

"Do you know what really disgusted me? The fact that they think they are our equals. I mean I have no problem with gay men but the ones who want to be women…That just isn't right man,"

Throughout the entire conversation my hand was balled tightly into a fist, knuckles white from exertion.

"What the fuck would _you_ know about it?" I snarled at Mike.

"It just isn't natural-"

"Maybe that's how he feels inside, have you ever thought about that?" I fumed, my hands visibly shaking.

"Hey, calm down okay," Edward placed his hand on mine.

Knocking his hand away I stood with my lunch tray. There was no way in hell I was eating with these people. Storming out of the lunch room, I violently tossed my tray on the rack and went towards my locker.

I was furious.

Slamming my locker open I growled under my breath, angry at their open discrimination against a woman who just wanted to be accepted. Although their reaction was common it still stung. People like that would never accept her, never accept _us_. What really ticked me off was the way Mike said that he was okay with gay people, as if we were privileged enough to be granted with his acceptance. The halls were completely empty by the time I reached my locker and I easily relished the silence, stuffing my books into my backpack. I didn't realize I had made the conscious decision to go home until now. Hearing footsteps behind me I paused momentarily before grabbing my English binder.

"You know they didn't mean it," Edward said quietly. "They're just being brain dead."

I scoffed. "They meant every single word."

"Come on, you can't let what they said get to you-"

"They were attacking me Edward!" I said fiercely. "How could I not let it get to me? They all sat around and made their vile thoughts known about trans-people!"

"I know but….Listen this isn't the first time you heard people do this and all I'm saying is that you can't let it get to you."

"So I should sit there and do nothing? That's great, let's send the gay rights movement back fifty years."

"Do you know how many gay jokes I hear daily? Especially when I'm in the locker room with the guys? They jokingly tell me not to stare at their junk or to stop spreading my fairy dust. What do you think I do Jasper? I smile and take it because I know I can't let every joke get to me."

I mull over Edwards words in silence. A part of me wants to accept that there are some things I cannot control and that included what people do or say, however we can't just sit back and let them degrade us, be treated like we are less than human.

I sighed. "I'm sorry,"

The bell rang and suddenly students were flooding the halls.

"It's okay, now can you please stop overreacting and come to English with me. You know I hate Mr. Peterson's lectures,"

"I'm not overreacting," I muttered, grabbing my English book.

"You look so cute when you're angry your face gets all pouty," Edward chuckled.

I smiled. "Whatever, that's better than looking constipated. You have this vein in your forehead I always think is going to pop when you get angry,"

"Oh, you've got jokes, I see," He laughs casually swinging his arm around my shoulder steering us towards our classroom.

The day passes quickly, with Edward glued to my side. We make plans to meet up at his house after school. As I am getting my stuff Mike and Tyler walk up to me.

"Hey man," Mike started. "Sorry about lunch time if I ever become ignorant again just tell me to shut the fuck up," He offered a smile.

"Yeah, same here," Tyler said. "We cool?"

Being angry at them would take too much work so I held out my fist. "Yeah we're cool," They bump it casually. I leave school feeling a little lighter, freer than I have in a long time. Jumping in Edward's car we drive to his house eager for some alone time.

I am barely through his bedroom door before he's attacking my face. We both moan when our lips touch, a shiver runs down my spine as he grips the back of my head.

"Hmm," He hums. "You looked amazing today…..Jasper….Can you…" His eyes flicker down to his crotch and I smile at him, teasing his belt buckle.

"You want me?" I breathe kissing softly behind his ear. Edward jerks his hips forward, rutting against my thigh. Slinking onto my knees I carefully unbutton his jeans before sliding them down his narrow hip. Edward throws his head back, fingers already tightly threaded in my blonde locks. Lowering his boxers his dick springs free, hard and aching; carefully I lick the angry head, tasting him.

"Stop teasing," Edward hisses, tugging my hair.

I smirk up at up before engulfing his dick into my mouth. It's been awhile since I've given head so at first I lose my rhythm, awkwardly lapping at his cock before sucking vigorously. Edward writhes above me, his knees shake and he moans deeply.

I love seeing him like this.

Radiating desire, desperate for my touch and I keep him close to the edge. Deciding to be bold I take him deeper, relaxing my throat I hum around his dick breathing harshly from my nose.

"Edward when did you-oh my god!" Edward bedroom door is swung wide open and Mrs. Cullen is standing there with her mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"Mom!" Edward grunted, fumbling and trying to pull up his pants and shove me away at the same time. We both look horribly guilty with matching red faces, I quickly scrambled to my feet. Mrs. Cullen knitted her brow giving Edward a pointed look that clearly said we will talk about this later before closing the door quietly.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Edward groaned before falling face first onto his bed.

I shrug. "It wasn't as bad as when she caught us at your Grandmothers pool house,"

"Or in the backseat of your car,"

"Or at Emmett's Halloween party,"

We both look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter.

"Man your mom has terrible timing," I snicker, lying down beside Edward.

"Hmm….Hey, you want to spend the night? We can go to school together in the morning?"

"No, I can't," I mumbled.

Edward pouts. "Why not?"

"I don't know….Esme might get mad,"

"When has she ever cared? Just stay please, my bed feels so cold without you,"

"Alright, you've convinced me," I mutter sarcastically.

"Well, how about this," He rolls over until he is on top of me, pinning my arms down to the bed. "We can make this a special night….Of exploration…"

I laugh nervously. "What?"

"Come on, blow jobs are amazing and everything but…I still want to see you,"

"Have you gone blind in the last twenty seconds? I'm right here," I said anxious to change the topic.

He rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean…Don't you think it's time I see the other half….We could lie naked together…I could light some candles and it will be romantic,"

I visibly shudder at the thought of lying naked with Edward in my fucked up body. With that image now shoved into my brain I recoil from him, sitting up on the bed.

"What? Too cheesy?" He said, but I can hear the disappointment in his voice.

"I just….I wouldn't want you to see down there it isn't like….a girls or a boys it's…._different_." I stammered.

"What does that mean?" Edward asked.

"I can't explain it…I just know you won't like it or be weirded out or something,"

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

I didn't respond because I just didn't see that happening anytime soon. It's not that I don't _want _to be naked in front of Edward or be intimate with him because I did, my body just wasn't right. It distressed me to put off having sex with him because I was uncomfortable but I couldn't force it.

Not now at least.

"What is it? Talk to me," He said gently tugging on my arm.

"I want to see us…naked together believe me I do….I just…Fuck,"

"Okay, some other time then if you aren't comfortable. I won't be mad Jasper and I won't push you for something you aren't ready for."

How did I get so lucky?

It was a question I often asked myself when Edward said things like that. He always knew the right words to lift my spirits even though they weighed a ton.

I kissed him firmly on the mouth.

Because with him I'm soaring, flying high.

_I am defying gravity. _

0-0-0

When I got home that evening I was exhausted, however I knew sleep wasn't an option because Carlisle was waiting for me on the couch.

"Jasper," He said curtly. "Sit,"

Sighing dramatically I dropped my backpack onto the floor and sat in the furthest chair from him.

"I got a call from Mrs. Cullen today,"

My eyes widened and I fidgeted nervously.

"Yeah….I guess we should start setting up some boundaries, since you and Edward can't be alone unsupervised anymore,"

God, I wish the ground would swallow me whole.

"Now," Carlisle said. "I know the testosterone increases your sex drive therefore I am well aware of your…_urges_…" He coughed before slipping into his medical tone of voice. "However, penile penetration can cause pregnancy, despite the fact that you are not menstruating…"

"Oh, my god," I blushed crimson hiding my face in my hands.

"That doesn't mean you still can't take precautions. Now, I have spoken with your therapist and she said that it's alright for you and Edward to _explore_, and I use that term loosely, each other's bodies but you must use protection; condoms, lubricants and dental dams are mandatory."

"Can I please go now?" I groaned.

"Not so fast….Your therapist mentioned that you were looking into top surgery," He continued calmly. "Is that true?"

"Yes," I said cautiously.

He sighed. "Jasper you know there could be many complications that come with that-"

"I've never felt like myself in this body you have to understand that and with top surgery I'll be able to be how I'm supposed to be without feeling unhappy in my own body,"

"I realize that, however, it is very expensive. You are so young, perhaps after you graduate we will look into it but right now I don't think it's the best option,"

My heart dropped into my stomach.

Carlisle didn't know that I spent hours researching top surgery, price ranges, and best clinical doctors in the state to do it. He didn't know that when I planned to make love to Edward I had hoped to have the surgery done. Of course he wasn't aware of the fact that every day of my stupid life I dreamt of being just like one of the guys, not having to wear a breast binder and hide behind a fake flaccid cock. No, he couldn't comprehend the sheer will it took every single day just to get out of bed, look in the mirror and try not feel like everything about my body was so wrong.

I stood, feeling like I had just aged ten years. "Are we done?"

"Yeah," Carlisle said, but then added. "Look, son, I'm not saying no, okay? I'm just saying not right now."

Somberly I nodded, waiting for him to elaborate what the fucking difference was. Obviously he didn't because there was none. Running upstairs to my room I slammed the door shut, threw my bag onto my bed and grabbed some of my gym clothes. Picking up my cell phone I scrolled down my contacts until it landed on McCarty.

"Hey bitch," Emmett answered on the first ring.

"Want to hit the gym?"

"Sure, I'll pick you up in ten," The line went dead.

Hastily I stuffed my shorts, towel and bottled water into my larger gym bag and grabbed my coat and a protein shake before I left.

I didn't want to think.

Disappointment and agony settled in my bones because I couldn't make love to Edward without the top surgery. Deep in my disappointment, I heard a horn honk outside the door, I quickly yelled to Carlisle not waiting for a response and left the house.

"Hey man, you okay?" Emmett asked, he was used to picking me up randomly and hitting the gym when I was in a bad mood or wanted to blow off some steam.

"Yeah, Edward's mom is a total cock block," I said, hoping he'd drop the conversation.

"Ugh, I love you man, but I don't want to hear about your sex life," Emmett said with a groan.

"So how's Rosalie?" I asked changing the subject.

His face lit up immediately. "She's great man, hoping to get a Cheerleading scholarship next week…." He rambled until we reached the gym. I hit the weights hard that day, barely giving my body a break and it was well after nine before we called it quits. Emmett dropped me off at my house and I bypassed my parents without even a single greeting, going straight to my bed.

Tearing off my shirt and breast binder I threw it on my dresser, along with my flaccid dick. Changing into simple white t-shirt and sweats I checked my phone to see I had eight missed calls all of them from Edward. Quickly I dialed him back as I brushed my teeth.

"Babe..?" He answered. "Fuck, I've been trying to reach you all day!"

"I was at the gym," I said shortly.

"Shit, my mom just told me she called Carlisle. What did he say? Are you in trouble?"

I snorted. "No, Carlisle decided that I just needed a sex talk,"

"Oh…Well, that doesn't sound too bad,"

I didn't reply.

"Something else happen?"

I bit my bottom lip, tears threatening to burn my eyes. "Nope," I said swallowing what pain I had swiftly.

"Okay….Well, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow….I love you," He said softly.

I broke, tears falling from my eyes but managed to keep my voice neutral. "I love you too,"

I hung up, pinching the bridge of my nose breathing in deeply. Fuck, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. My hands shook as I finished brushing my teeth and crawled dejectedly into bed. In one day Carlisle had literally shattered all of my hope, but I was beaten not broken so I decided to catalogue this incident as a minor setback and when I graduated I'd fucking pay for the top surgery myself regardless of what he thought. Tenaciously I started planning, when I became a legal adult I would be able to apply for the surgery.

The only uncertainty for me was Edward.

How would he fit into all of this?

Most of all, would he wait?

0-0-0

I woke up on Saturday feeling worse than I did the day before. Everything seemed too fucking bleak and depressing. My own frustration was coiling in the depths of my stomach, until it finally erupted making me want to vomit.

I was so sick of not having any voice in choices that affected my life.

Every little thing had to be pre-approved, pre-determined, I wasn't even allowed to change my gender legally, at least not in this state. No matter what I did or where I went I would always be regarded as a female. I had been counting on the top surgery for so long and now that the option was taken away I felt empty inside. Irritated I rolled out of bed and continued my daily routine. Grabbing the needle I sterilized it before injecting the shot into my left cheek. When the usual pain subsided I went into the shower, changed and got dressed, skipping my usual shave today. Hastily I put my breast binder on and then stuffed my pants with my flaccid cock. It was around lunchtime when I was finally ready to start the day and I realized that I had spent the majority of the morning wallowing in self-pity.

I entered the kitchen and Esme was there making chicken salad for lunch, "Hey," I said quietly.

Wearily she glanced at me but didn't say anything.

"Still mad I see," I joked, sitting at the kitchen table.

"I just don't understand you," She said.

"That makes two of us," I muttered.

"How can you behave so thoughtlessly in front of Mrs. Cullen? I know you are infatuated with that boy but please refrain from acting out with public indecency."

"I was being intimate with my boyfriend in his bedroom and she happened to walk in!" I defended.

"Does it matter? The fact is that you should not be engaging in such _sinful_ behavior!"

"Like you've never given dad a blow job?" I snapped back.

"That is enough. I will not let you antagonize me Jasper we will continue this conversation when it's appropriate." She barked, bracing her hands against the counter.

I snorted because this wouldn't even be considered a conversation.

"Whatever," I grunted. Alice chose that moment to make her existence known by prancing into the kitchen singing.

"Alice, darling," Esme said her voice light and airy. "What are your plans for this afternoon? Mrs. Linton is having her book club and she was wondering if you wanted to come? Her daughter Jessica will be there, don't you go to school with her?"

"Oh yeah," Alice said, "Jessica is in my classes, we're cool,"

"Excellent, I think this week we are reading Margaret Atwood, just come along for the conversation it can be really entertaining at times, you'll love it I promise,"

"Uh, maybe next time, I was thinking about signing up for the soccer team." Alice replied.

Esme tensed, she turned sharply to stare at me, her eyes angry and accusing. "No, I don't want you out there," She said curtly. "Those sports are for more….They just aren't for you, now you can come to the book club with me,"

"But Mom, why can't I try out for the soccer team?" Alice whined.

"Yeah," I injected. "What's wrong with soccer? Lots of girls play soccer-"

"I _forbid_ it!" She roared. "No daughter of mine is going to play a sport meant for boys, running around on a field getting dirty…Just stay indoors it isn't ladylike…" After her outburst she quickly schooled her features before exiting the room.

Her message was clear, she didn't want Alice to play sports because _I_ played sports, as if playing sports somehow made a girl more masculine, or would turn her trans. When she left Alice and I glanced at each other, she bit her lip offering an apologetic smile before chasing after our mother. Sighing deeply I pulled out my phone and dialed the one person I wanted to see.

"I need you," I said when he picked up on the first ring.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I…" Should I tell him about the surgery?

Our relationship was tricky; I couldn't explain some things to Edward without worrying about how he would react so I chose to exclude certain subjects. I wasn't lying outright, I was _omitting_, at least that's what I told myself.

"Nothing, I just miss you,"

"You saw me yesterday," He chuckled.

"Can I come over?"

"Do you even have to ask? Honestly, I should just give you my spare key,"

"Okay, I'll be there soon," I hung up, snatched my coat and keys, leaving this fucking hell hole. Mentally I made a note to spend more time with Alice because I missed her dearly but Esme seemed adamant about keeping her away from me.

I never wanted to be one of those children, that bitch and moan about how awful their parents are, compared to most mine were saints. However, there were times when I felt I was a complete disappointment when it came to what they hoped their son would to turn out to be. They seemed increasingly unsatisfied with the way I was.

I couldn't blame them.

Most times I understood their disappointment but I wished just once they would accept me. All that yearning has left me pining away for something that it now seemed may never happen. In record time I reached Edward's house, upset and insecure.

When he opened the door I hugged him fiercely. We stumbling our way upstairs and sat on his bed. Now, I didn't notice it right away because I was far too busy ranting and raving about my mother to see it but Edward looked strange.

Perhaps it was the way his pupils were blown wide or how close he was to my face but something was _off_ about him.

"Then she had the fucking nerve to stand there and accuse me of acting sinfully!" I exaggerated with my hands. "I mean it's so stupid!"

"Hmm…" He hummed along staring at me intensely.

"Well, thanks for your insightful opinion," I snarked back.

He laughed. "I'm sorry….I just had one of those moments, ya know?"

"What?"

"Like…Okay, when you finally have an epiphany or you realize that…the most amazing thing in your entire shitty life is sitting right beside you….I just had, you know….One of those moments of clarity…"

"Oh," I blushed looking away from his emerald eyes. Nervously I fiddled with my dog tags trying to distract myself from the growing tension between us.

"C'mere," He mumbled, grabbing the back of my neck and bringing our lips together. I squeaked in protest trying to wiggle out of his grasp but he held on, moving his lips against mine firmly. Eventually I started to relax and let myself be kissed by him. Then he snapped, frantically fisting my hair crushing his mouth to mine. I wanted to tell him to slow down but he seemed so out of control, actively trying to pull me down onto the bed with him. Edward was everywhere, his hands clutched my shirt, waist, hair and soon I was shivering beneath him as he consumed me.

"Hmm, you are gorgeous, is it healthy to want you all day, every day?"

I chuckled but it was stifled by his lips on mine. This was okay, I didn't mind making out with him because this was something we both enjoyed. But when his hands slid further down I started to get worried.

"No," I muttered breathlessly against his mouth but he ignored me and continued his hand until he clutched in the front part of my jeans.

"No, Edward," I whimpered when his hand idly stroked my crotch.

"Come on," He breathed deeply against my lips, his hand increasing pressure.

"I said no," I growled, he paused, pulling his face back to stare at me before rolling off. Running his hand through his hair he slowly sat up on the edge of the bed.

We were both panting and suddenly I felt angered by his insistence. No matter how many times I told him I wasn't ready he kept pushing. Now he had the fucking _gall_ to sit there and act like I was the one who was ruining things, like there was something incredibly wrong with wanting to wait.

"Shit," He muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, Jasper," He said in a tone that made it seem like the exact opposite.

"You can't get frustrated with me!" I exploded at him.

"Why not? I have been patient haven't I? Even when you _lied _about the most significant part of your life," He yelled back.

"Don't bring that shit up," I spat. "I only lied for my own protection-"

He snorted. "Don't twist the fucking argument. You were deceitful, purposefully so,"

"Well if I am such a goddamn liar then why the hell are you still with me?!"

"I don't know anymore! All I know is that you keep yourself covered-"

"For my own protection-"

"Just because you're so fucking _afraid_ I'll reject you! When you know I won't,"

My bottom lip trembled, this is what I desperately wanted to avoid. The familiar sting started at the back of my eyes. "That's not what you said the first time you saw me naked!"

Exasperated he threw his hands up in the air. "Forgive me for being in complete shock,"

"You saw me naked Edward," I growled at him. "You fucking violated me, yes I wasn't ready for you to know yet so I lied but still I didn't force you to come out," I stood up from the bed ready to storm out of there but he grabbed me around the waist.

"No, Jasper!" He said, trying to keep his hold on me while I struggled. "You aren't leaving, let's talk about this!"

"There's nothing to say!"

"Of course there is because you haven't said any_thing_! Just stop okay…." His hold tightened and even though we're the same height Edward was stronger. "I shouldn't have…..Taken your towel off when I found out that was….so wrong, I'm sorry,"

I stilled in his hold, my arms rested uselessly against my sides.

"You're right," He continued "I did violate you and I'm just trying to apologize but you have to communicate with me too."

"Are we done?" I said, sounding calmer than I felt.

Edward sighed, releasing me. I turned around to face him trying to pinpoint the exact point where things had gone wrong. Before I could reach out and grab his hands his eyes turned hard, livid.

"Yeah, we're done." He said coldly.

Then suddenly, I am falling, drowning, suffocating.

I finally feel the weight of _gravity_.

* * *

**A/N: Fallon Fox, a transgender mixed martial artist(WMMA), she was disqualified for not disclosing that she had sexual reassignment surgery. Here is the link blow if you want to know more about it. Thanks to my wonderful Beta and all those who read and review. **

**Discrimination against transgender people is a growing epidemic we must stop the hate. **

riptide/2013/04/transgender_mma_fighter_


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: This story contains homophobia, transphobia, Female to male transexual, transgender, sexuality, course language and violence. Please do not read unless over 18.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

_Defying Gravity_

* * *

Staring at my phone I willed the piece of shit to ring.

Of course it didn't. The hunk of technology still stayed silent, and I threw it across the room in anger. It had been four days since my big fight with Edward and four days since he'd called or texted me. Granted I didn't try to contact him either, but he was the one in the wrong.

He pushed me.

It was his goddamn insecurity and anxiousness. I told him, I needed time to get comfortable with even the _idea_ of having sex with him. He got frustrated when I kept pulling away, which was ridiculous. Sighing, I sat down on my bed and rolled my shoulders, trying to ease the tension in my neck and back.

So far today had been stupid, and worst of all boring.

It was Saturday, so I had no school and nothing to do to entertain myself. Usually I'd be at Edward's house, watching old movies or making out on his bed. Grabbing my laptop, I decided to do some blog searches on FTM (female to male) sex. In my research, I found that sexuality differed with every transman, some didn't like when women gave them blow jobs, while others enjoyed it very much. Personally the thought of Edward giving me a blow job turned me on; having him lick and suck that area of my body would definitely make me hot. However the more I researched the more I got discouraged. There was blogs upon blogs of FTM sex gone wrong, men not wanting anything inside them, penetration problems, and anal aversion, etc. And the main reason these bad things were happening to these people, was because their partner didn't consider them a _man_.

I knew that on some level, Edward respected that I was going through a change. But deep down, I didn't think he would ever willingly acknowledge the fact that I was a man, in every sense of the word. It was why I had so many reservations about sleeping with him, he just seemed _curious_. Not that I deemed his loved unworthy or that he loved me less, it was that his constant desire to see what was below my waist made me wary of his intentions.

Sometimes, love just wasn't enough.

I had to be certain this wasn't just a ploy.

Groaning softly, I wanted to chastise myself for even thinking Edward would stoop so low. This wasn't about his curiosity or intentions, it was about my _fear_. He was right, I was scared shitless about what could happen between us. If I allowed him in, literally, it was like giving away the most important part of me. And what if he decided he didn't like it? What if he was really gay after all? Then I'd be left with a broken heart, feeling even less like a man.

All of these horrible thoughts started swimming through my brain and I started to panic.

Did allowing him to penetrate me, make me less of a man? What if he saw me down there and didn't like it? Taking a deep shaky breath I closed my laptop and placed it on my dresser.

These thoughts were driving me crazy.

In a way, it was the ultimate test to see if we were the real thing or if this was just a high school romance. The only way I'd know is if I opened myself up, totally and completely to him. Was he worth it?

Yes.

There was no doubt about that. Standing to my feet I decided to get some fresh air. Pulling on a tight sweater, my coat, and grabbing my cars keys I left the house in search of some liquid gold, eager to get these messy realities out of my head.

There was something about today that felt right.

I'm not sure what it was, perhaps it was the fresh air or the way the sun was shining, but I felt liberated. This week, I wasn't going to think about how shitty life had been without Edward or how much I wished we could just make up already. Nope, I was dead set on being positive and if that meant faking it then so be it. Shuffling my feet, I waited rather impatiently for my coffee to be made. The line was unreasonably long, with the snowy weather outside, everyone seemed to crave something hot. So there I stood, shifting my feet, intolerably looking over the person in front of me's head, just to see if the line had moved. It hadn't. Hearing laughter, I instinctively turned my head towards the noise. A table of girls, probably around my age sat giggling, while looking straight at me. I blushed and turned away, wondering if I had something horribly embarrassing on my face.

Glancing back at them I caught eyes with a blonde girl with large, shiny, green eyes. She smiled, friendly and jerked her head towards the table. Smirking I held up one figure, gesturing for her to wait a second. Grinning she nodded and continued chatting with her friends. A few minutes later when I _finally _was able to get my coffee, I made my way over to the table.

"Hey," I said casually to the blonde I saw earlier.

"Hi," She smiled, eyes twinkling. "Why don't you join us? Oh, uh, unless you have somewhere else to be—"

"Oh, no, it's okay," I sputtered. "I don't have anywhere to be." I grabbed a seat, kindly smiling at all the other girls.

"So what's your name?" The blonde asked, leaning forward slightly.

"Uh, Jasper,"

"I'm Irina," She said. "And that's Jessica," She pointed to the brunette, who winked at me. "Lauren and Angela," Both girls blushed when I looked at them.

"You hang out with Mike right?" Jessica asked.

"Uh, yeah, we're cool," I replied.

"I've noticed you a few times at school," Jessica said.

I nodded slowly. "Your last name is Stanley, right? Yeah, I remember you,"

"So, there is this party at my house tonight," Irina said. "My parents are out of town this week and I was wondering if you wanted to come?"

Scratching my chin, I felt the prickly hair against my fingers and I pretended to ponder her question. It wasn't like I had any plans tonight, I just didn't want to seem overly eager.

"Sure," I shrugged. "I'll bring Emmett, Mike, and Tyler,"

Jessica's eyes lit up, like a kid on Christmas and Irina grinned widely.

"Great, so what's your number sexy and I'll text you the deets," Irina said, pulling out her phone. Mentally I rolled my eyes, but tapped my number into her phone.

"Alright Ladies," I said, keen to get away. "I should get going, see you guys later,"

When I got home, I texted the guys to tell them about the party, of course Emmett was the first to respond, enthusiastic about it. For a moment my fingers hovered over Edward number and I deeply considered telling him about it. What stopped me, was the fact that I didn't know if he even wanted to speak to me, after what happened last week. Inwardly I groaned at what had happened, that horrible fight had left us both steaming, neither one willing to admit that we were wrong.

It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with him.

That misconception always seemed to hover over our relationship. Edward sincerely thought that I would rather eat dog shit than be with him sexually, which wasn't the case. Of course I wanted to make love to him and be bonded spiritually, it was just my body had other plans.

_Wild horses couldn't drag me away. _

The constant fear of not being man enough, tortured me every single day of my life. I knew I wouldn't be comfortable naked around Edward. A small part of me reasoned, that the whole point of being sexual was to figure out my comfort zone. How was I supposed to know if I'd never done it?

Sighing, I laid on my bed sipping my coffee, enjoying the brisk silence the house had to offer. Carlisle was at work and Esme was off gallivanting and social climbing with her friends. Reaching over to my CD player, I pressed play and relaxed deeper into my blankets as Pink Floyd began to intoxicate the air. Images of Edward and I naked in a field of lilacs, giving each other sweet kisses and shy touches, filled my head.

_Wild horses couldn't drag me away. _

Sex itself was scary and gruesome. I had female parts and I was a virgin, so when he penetrated me, there would be blood. That's what put me off the most because guys didn't bleed when they had sex. Sure it hurt but the pain was brief and there was no risk of pregnancy. Although, thanks to the hormones, I didn't get my period anymore. There was still the nagging feeling that one slip up could ruin our entire lives. When my thoughts journeyed back to the daydream I began to feel calm, knowing that Edward would be just as scared and nervous as I was.

We were both virgins.

Giving my virginity to him would never be regretful.

Once again, I cursed this body for all the grief it had brought me in my life. If I was born normally, then I could fuck Edward like any man could and not have to use a dildo or a fake strap on. I wondered if he would ever get tired of it and want the real thing. I would never blame him if he did but just the thought of having my heart ripped out of my chest scared me beyond anything else.

A quiet knock on the door took me away from my musing.

"Yes?"

"It's me," Alice called.

"Come in,"

She opened the door smiling widely, she pranced over to the bed and sat down beside me. "Whatcha doing?"

"Nothing….Thinking….You?"

"Just wondering if you had any plans tonight?" She asked innocently.

"Why? What do you have planned?"

"Will you be home?"

"Alice just answer my question first,"

"Fine," She huffed. "I have a date…"

I sat up on the bed quickly. "What?"

"Bella and I are going on a double date."

"With who?"

"Two guys from school,"

"_Who_ Alice?" I growled at her.

"Garrett and Peter," She snapped.

Those names didn't ring a bell so I shrugged. "Okay, they go to Forks?"

"Yeah, they're in my grade so you don't know them."

"Okay, fine. I'll be out tonight so just make sure you tell dad,"

She nodded fiddling with her sleeve. "Jas, are we okay?"

"Why wouldn't we be?" I asked, eyeing her curiously.

"Jasper, you know Mom can be such a…..The way she plays us against each other isn't fair. You are my brother and that isn't going to change…..I just hope you aren't mad at me, when she pretends to act like I'm her favorite child—"

"I think she does it so I'll feel left out and want to do all those girly things you guys do. But what she doesn't realize is that I could care less and I don't blame you for wanting to be close to her."

"I know, I just feel bad,"

"Well, don't. Our relationship won't change, no matter how bad she treats me." I said bumping my shoulder with hers. "We still cool?"

"Like the other side of the pillow," She smiled back. "Okay, well I should get going. Bella will be over soon." She rose from the bed. "Oh yeah, and whatever you and Edward are fighting about, get over it."

"What—how did you know?"

"Come on, you've been moping for days." She smirked before closing the door.

Sometimes I wondered if she was psychic.

0-0-0

The party was typical.

It consisted of boys laughing too loudly, at jokes that didn't make sense sober—girls dancing around seductively, trying to get their attention. It grew rather tiresome after a while, sipping my lukewarm beer and watching the madness unfold from a safe distance. At least they had some good music playing, I found myself enjoying the hypnotic groove of The Doors and of course Led Zepplin—the classics. Leaning against the wall I watched my friends, Emmett was around a group of girls flexing his muscles, flashing his dimples in a charming way, while Mike was being cornered by Jessica, looking scared shitless and I'd completely lost track of Tyler.

Slightly tipsy, wearing too much makeup, Irina approached me.

"Having fun?" She drawled, placing her hand against the wall beside me.

Not really.

"Yup," I replied, sipping my beer.

"You look really cute today," She giggled.

"Yeah," I mumbled, nodding.

"So do you have a girlfriend?" She asked slurring her words.

I realized this would be easy, seducing her would be effortless. She was a straight girl who liked her men large and in charge, she would definitely make me feel like a man. Perhaps my parents would appreciate it more if I brought a girl home instead of a guy, then they wouldn't have to classify me as a gay FTM and just could just call me a damn lesbian out of ignorance. I could hang her on my arm like a piece of eye candy and we'd act like a straight couple if she was ever willing to accept that I was FTM.

However, there was nothing about her physically that turned me on. Her body would be too lumpy; nothing like a male's hard physique and that is what I craved. It's not that she wasn't unattractive, quite the opposite, I just wasn't interested.

Leaning towards her ear I smirked. "No,"

"Do you want one?" She replied, breathing harshly. "How about just for the night?"

Pulling away slightly I remind within a close distance, allowing our noses to touch briefly, letting her decide how far she wanted to take things.

I've never been with a girl.

But right now, with the alcohol flowing and my emotions running deep, I was curious. Immediately she took charge, closing the gap between us by firmly pressing her lips against mine. At first it was sticky, and weird because she had been wearing too much lipstick or whatever that gooey stuff was called. Cupping both sides of her face, I stepped towards her to deepen the kiss, now intrigued to how her lips felt. In my mind all the comparisons arose and it felt strange, _wrong_ even to be kissing someone else.

Abruptly I broke the kiss.

Confusion covered her face for a moment and I dropped my hands.

"I have a boyfriend," I said.

"Oh," She said offering me a weak smile. "So do I—"

"Damn right you do," A loud voice boomed. "Are you hitting on my girl?" An African American said appearing at her side, he was tall and lanky with a menacing expression. He snorted before tossing his dreadlocks over his shoulder. "If so I'd suggest you back the fuck up,"

I scoffed, not moving an inch. "Or what exactly…?"

"Or me and my friends will rearrange your face," The man said stepping forward.

"Alright, Laurent, baby how about we all just calm down," Irina said placing a hand on his chest.

He turned on her. "What the hell are you doing with this guy anyway?"

"I invited him, sweetie," She said sounding a little unsure of herself.

"What the fuck?" He exploded. "The guy was all over you!"

"Oh now you finally notice?" She snapped back. "You didn't before when you were flirting with that other girl!"

Slowly I slinked away from their squabble, grabbing another beer from the kitchen I sipped it casually before walking around the house. The party was just starting to pick up with various people with their entourages in tow. Emmett, Tyler and Mike were busy with women flocking around them like hens. I recalled a time where Edward and I usually snuck off during these parties. It was always the thrill of being caught that made sneaking around so much more exciting.

Emmett came over to me with a red cup in his hand. "What time is Eddie getting here?"

Confused I stared at him. "He's not,"

He pulled out his phone to check it. "Yes he's parking the car right now, says he'll be inside soon."

"You invited him?" I accused.

"Well, yeah," He shrugged. "We don't have a DD since you and Mike have been drinking for the past two hours—"

"I can sober up," I said quickly. "See, this beer will be my last one,"

He chuckled. "No big deal. He's almost here anyway."

I hated Emmett for being responsible and thinking ahead.

Nonchalantly I continued to sip my beer. "This party is lame,"

"I disagree," Edward said appearing beside Emmett, he glared at me harshly.

"Glad you could make it man," Emmett said slapping him on the shoulder. "Your boy toy was just bitching about how lame this party is,"

"Hmm," Edward said casually. "I'm sure making out with drunken girls can be _very_ boring,"

I rolled my eyes. "Not that it matters to you,"

"You know what? I think I'm going to get a drink. Looks like I'll need it tonight," He snapped, before storming off.

"Fuck Jas," Emmett exclaimed. "Why did you have to piss off our only DD?"

"I'll sober up. I told you I would," I growled at him.

"You guys are so damn emotional," Emmett said tiredly as he walked away.

I was sitting outside on the small balcony, just watching the stars as the party goers began to get very rowdy around me. It was a bitter cold night and I could feel the chill penetrating through my coat but I refused to go back inside, plus the alcohol was keeping me warm.

Fighting with Edward was always awful.

Sometimes I feared we would never make up.

But then I'd realized he probably just needed some time to cool off, before we could have a nice civilized conversation.

"So what are you a fucking lesbian now?" He yelled at me, when he stumbled outside onto the balcony.

Or not.

"I'm _gay_ Edward," I replied, impassively.

"Whatever the fuck that means,"

I scoffed then started to storm away from him.

"You had your tongue down her goddamn throat!" He continued to yell following after me. "What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"I don't know! Whatever the hell you want!"

"Stop running away and let's talk,"

I spun around to face him. "Fine, talk,"

He hesitated for a minute. "Okay, I'll admit I've been anxious to…be with you but it's only because I was afraid that you'd….Fuck, Jas I don't know what I'm doing!" He threw his hands up in the air. "I don't know the first thing about how to have sex with you and whether you want to be touched _there_ or want to be fucked at all. I have no clue."

"You don't?" I asked.

"No, of course not, I'm nervous as fuck that I'll screw everything up and I just wish you'd communicate with me, this isn't a one sided relationship the reason I don't know is because you've _never_ told me."

I sighed. "Why are we fighting? I don't want to fight anymore."

He shrugged. "I thought you were mad at me,"

"I thought you were mad at me,"

"I'm not,"

"Me either,"

We both stared at each other briefly before I was tumbling into his arms. Crushing my body to his, I buried my face into his neck inhaling deeply.

"You kissed that girl,"

"It meant nothing," I promised, because it didn't and we both knew that.

"This is so stupid," He said capturing my lips heatedly. I moaned into his mouth, threading my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer. We stood for a long time, our mouths pressed firmly against each other, limbs entangled. Edward's hands slid down to grab my ass and I yelped in surprise.

"I miss this," He mumbled against my mouth.

"Yeah, I think my ass misses you too,"

He chuckled. "Baby, come home with me please?"

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be,"

0-0-0

I gasped feeling my like lungs were going to explode in my chest as Edward laid heavily on top of me. His strong hands gripped the fabric of my shirt roughly, blunt fingernails dug into my delicate skin bruising it. Every time I tried to break the heated kiss for air, his lips would instantly cover mine and he started to devour me again. Gently shoving his shoulders I tried to communicate my growing discomfort but soon I was horribly frustrated.

"I can't breathe Edward!" I screamed at him.

We had left the party less than three hours ago—with me driving of course—now we were in Edward's room making out eagerly on top of his bed.

"What am I doing wrong now?" He asked irritated, before rolling off of me.

"I just need time to breath every once in awhile," I said panting.

"We are making out? So what am I not allowed to touch you now?"

"I didn't say that, but I need some boundaries—"

"Here we go again with these damn boundaries."

"You said you were okay and that you respected them—"

"I do!" He spat. "Of course I do but you can't make out with me, grind on me, turn me on so fucking much and not expect me to touch you!"

"I don't do it on purpose—"

"You do," He said running his hands through his hand. "Don't even deny it,"

"You—you're…" I sputtered, looking for an argument. He was right, undoubtedly so, and I couldn't refute him this time but I hated being wrong. "You're always in my face always asking when we are going to have sex, well news flash—I don't know when!"

"You are full of shit. Every time you want something I am always there for you, even when you lied about everything!"

"Oh, not this again—"

"You've got issues Jasper!" He roared. "You're just a being a goddamn cock tease,"

Those words stung.

"Is that what you really think?" I asked shocked.

"Sometimes, yes" He said harshly, before taking a deep calming breath. "I think about what it would be like to fuck someone else—a guy but then I can't even _stomach_ how much I fucking love you and how completely wrong it would be to do that." He cursed loudly. "I want everything with you and I feel like…you don't want the same things."

"Of course I do," I said vehemently.

"Then you should know that it isn't always about the sex. If you don't feel comfortable around me, someone whom you claim to love then….what future do we have?"

"Don't say that Edward," I reproached, grabbing his hand. "We can figure it out I know we can,"

"Fine," He said. "Let's do this now."

"Okay," I said slowly, sitting up on the bed I turned to face him.

We were silent for a few minutes before he spoke. "I'm a top."

"What?"

"You asked me what I thought I was and I guess I've always been too scared to admit it to you, in case you were a top and we weren't compatible but…I've always known I was a top."

"But you said—"

"I know what I said…I just wasn't sure how you'd react,"

"So you wouldn't ever bottom—"

"I'm not saying that….I'm just saying that the majority of the time, I'd prefer it if I were to top."

I exhaled deeply. "Good to know,"

Fidgeting with my sleeve I pondered how to put my thoughts into words. Anxiety and fear bubbled in my stomach and I felt a little light headed, exposing my darkest secrets to him.

"I want you to fuck me,"

Curiously he stared at me. "Well, of course you do—"

"No, uh, I-I want you to _fuck_ me….down there," I finished, desperately hoping he'd catch my drift.

"In your cunt…?" He asked.

"Don't call it that," I hissed glowering at him.

"I don't know what else to call it—"

"Anything but that," I spat at him.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry."

We were both silent again. The awkwardness of this conversation was becoming unbearable for me.

"God, this is awful," I groaned.

"Yeah, I know," He chuckled. "Not exactly what I had planned."

"I'll say," I muttered.

"I always thought sex would be this magical thing…But now it just seems so….clinical,"

"I know and I'm ruining everything,"

"No you aren't, we just got to work out a few things before we get _dirty_," He said wiggling his eyebrows.

I laughed at his corniness. "Nerd,"

"Always," He smiled back.

I sighed checking the time on my phone. "I have to get home,"

"No," Edward said placing a tiny kiss on my cheek. "Stay so I can do bad things to you,"

I chuckled. "Seriously, babe, I have to go its late,"

"No shit eh?" Edward said amazed. "But stay the night,"

"No, we are already walking on thin ice with our parents."

Gripping the edge of my shirt Edward pulled me into a rough sloppy kiss. We both giggled when he tried to deepen it. Pulling away he placed his hand on top of my chest.

"You have my heart," He said suddenly very serious. "I just want you to know that,"

"You are so sappy sometimes," I said smiling.

"I know and you love it," He said. "Jas, I know you're scared, I am too and we can figure this out together, Wild Horses remember?"

I laughed as I recalled the song _Wild Horses_ from the Rolling Stones and that night we danced under the stars at one of my family parties.

"Couldn't drag me away,"

"I'm pretty sure they could but it's just our little secret," He winked. Shoving him away playfully, I got off the bed and started putting on my coat.

0-0-0

Walking down the halls, I stared at the ground as I tried to maneuver my way through the students. The bell had rung for last period and I was on my way to get my stuff to go home. So far today had been completely uneventful, although people were giving me strange looks which I'd decided to ignore. Smiling softly to myself, I began to wonder what Edward and I were going to do when we got home, when I accidently bumped shoulders with someone.

"Sorry," I mumbled, eyes still downcast.

Suddenly I felt a forceful shove, sending me flying into the nearest locker. I grunted upon impact, feeling the lock digging into my shoulder blade.

"Well, well, well if it isn't my favorite person," A voice sneered. "Whitlock is it?"

Turning around I glared at the person who had pushed me. It was that guy from the party last night—Irina's boyfriend. Great that's all I needed, another mindless idiot that had a problem with me.

"Who's asking?" I said, straightening my posture.

He stared at me impassively, before he smirked, tossing his dreads over his shoulder. "I am," He started striding towards me. "I think you better start watching your back,"

"Why is that? So you can push me into lockers again? How original is that?" I scoffed.

"Who says I'm trying to be original? You know, I think it's time the school learned how disgusting it is, to have fags flaunt their unnatural behavior,"

"Is that right?" I growled, balling my fist. "And what the fuck are you going to do about it?"

He grinned. "What I can. Just don't get too comfortable around here. You know what happens to fags don't you? They usually get _bashed_,"

"Is that a threat?"

"More like a promise," He said before walking away. "By the way, if you ever put your fucking diseased fairy hands on my girlfriend again…." His smile widened. "Well, let's just say that dead men don't talk," Abruptly he turned around and disappeared into the crowds.

Rolling my eyes, I rubbed my shoulder and started walking towards my locker. It wasn't the first time I'd been bullied for being gay and it certainly wouldn't be the last, however there was something incredibly off about Laurent. It was like he had nothing to lose by making vicious threats and I had no doubt in my mind that he would make good on his promises. At a brusque pace I reached my destination, choosing to disregard what just happened between us, soon Laurent would get over it and find a new victim, so there was no need to tell Edward.

"So," Emmett said as he approached me. "Word on the street is that you've pissed off Laurent," He said casually leaning against my locker. The day had started off pretty normal before rumors started circling around about my kiss with Irina and the fight with her boyfriend. "I heard that guy was crazy jealous, he keeps tabs on her like a fucking hawk. Just watch out man,"

I snorted. "I'm not worried,"

"Why not…?"

"Come on, once he sees I am totally _not_ into girls he'll have nothing to worry about."

"Dude, this guy won't care. He'd beat you up for being a fag either way, he's just looking for an excuse to kick your ass," Emmett cautioned. "No offense,"

"Who is?" Edward said strolling up to my locker.

"Laurent," Emmett replied. "The guy with the dreads,"

"Oh him," Edward nodded. "He's best friends with James, that delinquent mother fucker,"

"Who?" I asked, completely confused.

"Come on everyone has heard about James." Emmett rolled his eyes when I stared at him blankly. "Okay, word on the street is that he was arrested for beating some guy to death and he's been in and out of juvie since grade school for theft, armed robbery—the list is endless."

"Since when did you start listening to street gossip," Edward questioned.

"Since I heard they were planning to kick Jasper's ass, after he left the party with you," Emmett said.

"So how does James play into this?" I asked.

"Well, they met when they were in juvie together, like I said best friends. They wash each other backs type of thing." Emmett explained. "Don't mess with these guys Jasper, they are fucking ruthless,"

"Whatever, I'm sure these guys have better things to do besides worry about me, "I replied, indifferently.

"I'm serious man," Emmett said, his voice becoming more insistent. "Just be careful. I've got to get to class but I'll see you guys later."

Edward gazed after him when he walked away. "Do you think he's telling the truth? Maybe this guy is out for blood or something,"

"I don't think so. If he wanted to beat the shit out of me, he would have done it already,"

"Yeah but…..I mean…." Edward's eyes darted around quickly. "Don't hate me for saying this but….I mean….If he wanted to fight you he'd have the advantage,"

"Why is that?"

"Come on Jasper, you aren't exactly bulky and well….."

"Well what?" I asked getting annoyed.

"Look I know you can fight but I saw the guy he's built like a brick house so just…promise me you won't go strolling through any back alleys?"

"We don't have alleys in Forks," I said rolling my eyes. "I seriously don't think I have anything to worry about. Once he sees that I'm not even the least bit interested in women, he'll back off,"

"If you say so," Edward replied, although his voice was tense.

"What are you doing now?" I asked grabbing my physics binder. "Want to get out of here?"

"Sure, I don't have anything going on in any of my classes today,"

"Let's go to my house," I said, throwing my backpack over my shoulder and grabbing my scarf, hat, and coat. We walked out of the school together towards my car and we both jumped in. Turning the heat on, I waited for the engine to warm up, freezing my ass off and finally I backed out of the parking space. The drive was relatively quiet, both of us lost to our own thoughts. Once we got inside my completely empty house, we shed our coats and went up to my room. I turned on the stereo, allowing _Alice in Chain's_ edgy drawl fill the vacant silence. Lying on my bed I got comfortable just listening to the music, as Edward pulled his homework out of his bag.

"Babe?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?"

"What's this?"

Twisting my body to face him I saw that he had my Laptop open to a top surgery page I forgot to close. A cold sweat broke out in my body and I felt my face burn with mortification. Scrambling towards him I snatched the computer out of his hands, slamming it shut before placing it on my dresser.

"You—you shouldn't go through things that don't belong to you!" I sputtered, trying to hide my embarrassment.

"It was open," He said slowly. "Okay, what is that?"

"It's nothing," I said quickly.

"Don't bullshit, just tell me. I won't judge."

Running my hands through my hair nervously, I breathed in deeply before deciding that being honest with him, would probably be better for our relationship. Plus there was absolutely no way I couldn't lie my way out of this situation because he had already seen the page.

"Trust me," He said nodding encouragingly.

"I just—fuck okay," I said taking a deep breath. "It's for top surgery,"

"Oh," He said looking a little uncomfortable. "Like for your um….?"

"Yeah….I wanted to get them removed soon," I said shifting my heels.

God, this was so awkward.

He stared at me for a moment before his face twisted in anger. "And were you ever going to tell me?"

"This is my body Edward,"

He scoffed. "Right, so any major decision I just won't be a part of,"

"Look can we _not_ do this." I said. "I wasn't going to say anything because having the surgery isn't even a possibility right now,"

"Why not?"

I sighed. "When…. Your mom caught us together she told Carlisle and he sat me down and told me that…..I couldn't get it done because it's way too expensive."

Puzzled Edward stared at me. "Too expensive…? He's a doctor and your mom is an Interior designer I'm sure between the two of them they could afford it."

"I know that," I snapped. "He doesn't want me to get it done in case I change my mind in the future and regret it."

Shoving his books away he stood from the bed and walked over to me. Without saying any words he enveloped me into a fierce hug. I was shocked for a few moments but then I wrapped my arms around his waist allowing him to comfort me.

"I know you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders but I want you to know that you're not alone." He said, placing a small kiss on my cheek. "We're in this together,"

"I'm sorry," I said breathing in his sweet scent. "I should have told you right away but I'm just so used to dealing with this alone,"

"You won't ever have to again," He vowed.

"Thank you,"

"You're welcome," He replied, kissing my cheek. "I love you,"

"Prove it,"

"Hmm, I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into," he hummed crashing his lips into mine. We both laughed like children as we stood there kissing manically. God, I missed Edward so much. These moments of ravenous kisses and bold touches were making my heart beat faster in my chest. How had I gone so long without it?

_Wild horses couldn't drag me away. _

Our fights seemed to vary from bad to extremely bad to worse. We were both equally stubborn, unyielding when it came to who was right and who was wrong, but when we did come to an agreement and made up it was a beautiful thing. Gripping my waist he tossed me onto my bed like a rag doll, before covering my body with his own. Moaning again, I fisted his shirt ready to be rid of the restricting fabric, eager to feel skin on skin. Edward was everywhere, probing hands spread like butter on toast, trying to enfold every speck of flesh.

"I'm crazy about you," He whispered against my mouth. I hummed in agreement, before capturing his sweet honey lips again.

These moments were precious, guarded as my most secret treasure, as we were caught between teen and adulthood, I knew I'd always remember this. Quietly in my room, we stifled our whimpers, trying to hide the passion erupting from our veins. This often consumed us and at times, I found it difficult to go without hearing from Edward after a few hours. Threading my fingers through his hair, I threw my head back, exposing my elongated neck as he suckled on the sensitive skin.

"I love you so much," he mumbled.

Shedding his shirt, I felt the familiar pathway of his sculpted abs and hardened pecks, along with his trim waist line. Everything about him spoke of mystery and beauty, all wrapped up into one amazing man. With our lips fused, hands roaming; Edward rid me off my shirt and was now struggling with the breast binder.

_Wild horses couldn't drag me away. _

I hesitated for a moment, feeling the fear build in my belly. The thought of being fully exposed, no barriers, still frightened the shit out of me. Breathing in, with shaking hands, I unclasped the breast binder, letting it fall to the bed. With only my dog tags on I felt him press his solid chest to mine.

"Wow," He said slowly, panting.

"If it feels weird—I'll just put it back on—" I moved to grab the binder but he stopped me.

"No, it feels incredible. I can feel your heart." He said. "Okay, so I'll take off my pants first,"

I bit my quivering lip.

"Hey, we can just look remember? And you've seen me naked a hundred times."

Nodding in agreement, I waited for him to shimmy his pants off his narrow hips. There was a moment of awkward silence, as he tried to get his feet out of his pants legs and then I felt the blunt tip of his erection poking into my thigh. I nearly panicked and had to physically stop myself from jerking out of the bed and running for the hills.

"Okay, so, uh, I'll slowly take your pants off and I'll just look and if you feel too uncomfortable, you can put them back on." He said carefully, his hands resting on the button on my jeans. Slowly he unbuttoned them, peeling them off my pale skin but before he could fully get them off, I panicked.

"Wait!" I said desperately. "Edward, what if—I'm not normal down there….I don't know what you're expecting….It's different okay?"

"Baby," He said calmly. "I know, I've done my research. You're still a man to me, okay?"

"I'm sorry…I'm just so nervous…" I replied, feeling my knees tremble.

"It's fine…" His eyes flickered to my pants, which were hanging halfway off my hips. "Can I…?"

I nodded stiffly as his hands started to tug them off. My heart was stuttering in my chest and I could feel my hands shaking. This is it, after this there is no turning back in our relationship. Staring into his emerald eyes I could see something beautiful reflected back at me, it was just a glimpse, but I saw it. A beacon of light and hope, I saw my soul gazing back at me.

Right here and now;

I knew that wild horses couldn't drag me away.

* * *

**A/N: If anyone is curious Wild Horses is a song by the Rolling Stones. Terribly sorry for the late update I've been so busy with my other stories. Thanks to Beanothercullen for editing this chapter:) Also for any Glee Fans out there please check out Girlinterrupted12 her stories are incredible! Just check out my favorite authors if anyone is interested. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: This story contains homophobia, transphobia, Female to male transexual, transgender, sexuality, course language and violence. Please do not read unless over 18.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

_Defying Gravity_

* * *

I felt myself melting into his embrace, it was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. All the worries I had earlier, felt minuscule to the way he was using his tongue to gently lap at my sensitive skin. I groaned, arching my back off the bed, threading my fingers through his wild hair, panting as he began easing my pants off.

"Is this okay?" He murmured against my cheek.

I nodded.

For a minute it was awkward trying to shimmy out of my pants but we both laughed when our heads bumped together and are arms got entangled. It was perfectly imperfect and a part of me hoped that Edward wouldn't run away screaming, like I expected him to. I flushed when he braced himself and finally looked down at the _thing_ between my legs. Soon I was choking, suffocating on the thought of him seeing me like this, so open and vulnerable.

"It's—it's different—" I sputtered in his silence, because he wasn't saying anything and that was much more frightening.

"It's perfect." He said raising his head to look at me.

In his eyes I searched for fear, disgust; revulsion, and found _nothing_—nothing but pure, unadulterated love. Tears pricked my eyes as I continued to hold his gaze and I chastised myself for even thinking so badly of Edward.

Of course he loved me.

How could I ever doubt that?

"You're so beautiful, Jasper, inside and out," Edward continued. "I love you, so much."

"I love you too," I promised.

"I know," He growled capturing my lips heatedly.

We both moaned desperately as our tongues explored the insides of each other's mouths. Edward was rough, gripping my arms tightly, trying to consume me. Sloppily our lips mashed together in an urgency I'd never known. I felt dizzy, my head swimming with pleasure and uncharted consciousness, suddenly I was adrift, storm-tossed on a wild sea of sensation.

"Shit," He grunted in my ear. "You feel so good baby,"

"Edward," I groaned, feeling myself becoming more aroused and moist. He cut off whatever I was going to say with a hard kiss, weaving his hand through my hair. Positioned between my legs, I felt Edward's cock engorged, rubbing against my thigh deliciously. I raked my hands up and down his toned chest, wrapping my arms around his waist to slide my hands to his round ass and I grabbed a fistful.

He chuckled against my lips. "Like it?"

"Yeah, can't wait to fuck it," I growled, attacking his mouth, squeezing his ass. "With a big _hard_ cock,"

"Nine inches…?"

"How much can you take baby?"

He moaned, kissing down my neck. "Stop teasing,"

A knock on the door made us still for a moment, eyes wide in anticipation. For a moment I thought I imagined it but my mother's voice came through the door, telling me that it was dinner time. I tensed until she left, then released a long breath, that was such a close call.

"Ugh," Edward whined, his face buried in the pillow beside my face. "Your mom is such a cock block,"

I laughed. "I know….but maybe we should cool it,"

Shifting he moved off of me so that I could get dressed, picking my breast binder off the night table I discretely put it on, fully aware of his eyes on my every movement. With a blush, I averted my eyes and began getting dressed, a little unnerved by the way he was watching me. When I was finally done, I yelped when Edward caught me around the waist, crushing my body to his.

"I was just about to fuck you and now you're shy," He whispered in my ear.

"I'm not sure how I should act now….you've finally seen me…." I trailed off.

"And…?" He probed.

"And now things are different, we're more evolved now I guess…I don't feel like I have to hide anymore,"

"Because you don't….Never run from me Jasper, I'll find you,"

My heart lurched and I smiled softly at him. "I know, now get dressed…I doubt my mother would be too pleased to see you naked at the dinner table,"

"She should be so lucky,"

I grin because inside I'm soaring,

flying above earth and sea.

I'm _defying_ gravity.

0-0-0

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this," Emmett whined, trying to shield his eyes. "This is just _so_ wrong,"

"Come on," I hissed, "I'd do the same for you,"

He scoffed, "I doubt it."

"Look, we'll just be in and out all I need is your I.D,"

"Yeah, well if you had your own you wouldn't be in this predicament,"

"There's no predicament…..I just want to do something special for Edward—"

"Please, spare me the details!" Emmett said, childishly plugging his ears.

"Let's just go inside," I laughed, walking ahead of him.

The trip to the sex shop wasn't planned, last night after Edward had gone home; I started thinking about fucking him. I knew he wanted to top the first time but what about after that? He had to know that I'd want him to bottom at some point. Doing some research on the internet—which turned into watching porn—I saw a few interesting videos of men using strap-on's and it looked hot. It turned me on thinking about taking Edward like that, having him writhing under me as I thrust inside him, maniacally.

It would be a nice birthday gift.

Or Christmas gift.

Hell, any occasion would be excellent to put the dildo to good use. Although, I had several dildos they were all flaccid, purely for show, they weren't used for fucking. What I needed was a nice rock hard cock, nine or so inches. If only I could get Emmett to cooperate and let me use his fake I.D then everything would be set. As we walked inside the store it looked nothing like I expected it to.

There were rows, upon rows of dildos, ranging from different sizes, colors and vibration speeds. I blanched when I saw them all, there was no way I'd be able to decide what kind of dildo to buy and Emmett wasn't being much help since he was over in the porn video section. The lady at the front desk was covered head to toe in tattoos and had smudged eyeliner on her face; she looked like a housewife from Reno. She popped her gum loudly, flipping through a magazine with a disinterested expression.

"Dude," Emmett said jogging over to me with a huge grin on his face. "Check this out,"

He placed the video in my hand.

"Big Busted Boobies all the cum shots in HD ….?" I grimaced. "Gross,"

"Do you think Rosalie will like it?" Emmett asked. "We are trying to be more adventurous in our lovemaking,"

I rolled my eyes. "By all means get it. Now, can you please help me pick out a dildo?"

Emmett sighed and then pointed to a random one. "This one."

"It's neon blue…."

"So?"

"Why would I buy a neon blue dildo?"

"Okay…this one."

"That's a butt plug."

"So?"

"They aren't the same thing."

"Look, you asked for my help and now you're turning everything I suggest down, asshole."

"I just want it to be perfect."

"Dude, I am so uncomfortable looking at dildo's with you, so how about you just fucking pick one and I'll be over there looking at some titties," Emmett declared, before he walked away.

I was just about to give up when I saw it; the perfect flesh colored cock, not too long, hard and aching with the head swollen with matching nude straps. It looked so real, beautiful and cost a lot but I could afford it. Picking it off the shelf I signaled to Emmett that I was ready to go and we went to the counter.

"Are y'all even old enough to be in here?" She asked, popping her gum obnoxiously.

"Of course," Emmett said flashing his dimples and handing over his I.D.

Raising an eyebrow skeptically, she stared at us. "Thirty five?"

"Yup," Emmett said quickly.

"'Kay," She eyed us both before ringing up the bill.

We paid then left the store, laughing our asses off.

"Oh man," Emmett joked. "I thought for sure we had been caught."

"Nah," I snickered. "She probably knew but didn't care anyway."

"Alright let get going, I have these videos I need to watch."

We jumped into Emmett's car, both of us laughing and joking about the videos he had bought and how we'd probably go back.

"Dude," Emmett said, suddenly serious. "Don't think this is weird or anything, I'm honestly just curious but, how did you know you were gay?"

I smiled and then shrugged. "I just knew, I've always been attracted to men."

"Oh, okay, Edward said it was like an awakening for him and he couldn't picture himself with a girl, so I was just wondering if it was like that with you."

"In a way yes…I could never see myself with a woman, not that I find them repulsive," I said hastily. "I love woman, they're very kind and sensitive, their bodies are beautiful but I'm just not attracted to them,"

"I guess that makes sense," Emmett said. "By the way, if you ever need me to kick those guys asses I will,"

"I know, and thank you but I've been taking boxing lessons at the gym."

"With Peter…?" Emmett asked. "You asshole, we're supposed to do that together."

I chuckled. "Come on Em, you always take too long, plus you're doing weight training with Andrew."

"So are you!" He accused.

"I know but I have more time on my hands after school, I don't have to rush off to football practice, man," I reasoned.

"Whatever, you're best friend card has been revoked."

"Come on," I laughed. "You can't be serious."

"I totally am."

"And who would you get to replace me? Huh? Edward only goes to the gym twice a week and that's if I drag him."

Emmett looked pensive as he turned down my street. "Yeah your right, Edward's always a bitch when we work out together, complains about everything." He pulled into my driveway and killed the engine. "Call of Duty marathon at my house this weekend, don't be late loser."

"Alright man," I said grabbing my purchase. "I'll see you then," I said getting out of the car and slamming the door behind me. Opening the front door I went straight to my room, eager to look at the goodies I had picked up with Emmett. Once I was safely inside I opened the bag looking at the large dildo in the packaging, it was so big, long, and overall perfect.

I knew Edward would love it.

Smiling to myself I tucked it away in my dresser, stuffing it over a pile of clean clothing. Right before I was going to take a long overdue nap someone knocked on my door.

"Jasper," Carlisle said on the other side. "Dinner time."

"I already ate," I replied.

There was no way I was going to sit through another piss on Jasper, family affair.

"Now," Carlisle barked, his patience running thin.

Sighing, I threw opened the door and followed him down the stairs to the dinner table. Moodily I sat down watching my mother and sister dancing around the table trying to get everything set.

"Wow," Alice said placing her tiny hand on my shoulder. "You've really been bulking up."

I smiled at her. "Yeah, I've been hitting the weights with Emmett."

"It really shows," She said. "But I hope you aren't trying to get as muscular as him, sometimes its a little too overwhelming."

"Yeah, I won't be a total meathead," I replied. "So, how was your date?"

When she was finished she sat down beside me. "Pretty good, we're going out again."

"With Bella…?"

"Duh," She smirked and I rolled my eyes. A few moments later Esme sat down at the table and then Carlisle sat at the head of the table, there was a tense silence before Carlisle said we could eat.

"So, how was school, honey?" Esme asked Alice. "She helped me prepare dinner tonight so I want everyone to eat up,"

Completely disinterested I played with my dog tags, ignoring the look she was shooting me.

"You aren't hungry Jasper?" Alice asked, putting some food onto her plate.

"I already ate." I answered.

"Just have some food," Carlisle said. "Your mother and Alice worked hard on it."

"I'm sure it tastes lovely, "I responded sarcastically. "But what part of _I'm not hungry_ did you not understand?"

Carlisle glared at me. "Watch your mouth and if you want to continue heading to the gym every week you better try obeying me."

Grumbling under my breath I took a very small portion of food and put it on my plate. "Happy?"

Carlisle didn't respond.

"Hmm, school was okay mom," Alice answered. "Not much happened but I got onto the soccer team."

Esme went pale. "You mean the team I forbade you to play for?"

"Look, it's not even a big deal, girl's play soccer all the time and Bella will be there with me."

"No," Esme said shaking her head. "You are going to quit this instant. Even if I have to call the coach myself."

"Mom!" Alice whined. "Please, I've worked really hard to get on the team."

"Sweetie, what's the big deal anyway?" Carlisle asked. "It'll look great on her college applications and I've seen her play she's pretty good."

"No," Esme said adamantly. "There is no way she's going to play that sport. Why don't you be on the student council or the prom committee?"

"I want to play soccer," Alice said. "What do you have against playing a sport?"

"Nothing, I just don't think you should play them," Esme said coolly.

I rolled my eyes pushing the food around in my plate. Esme watched me distastefully; her lip curling as I obnoxiously clicked my fork against the ceramic plate.

"Will you stop?" She snapped.

Giving her a tired look, I tossed my fork onto the table and stood.

"We aren't finished having dinner sit down!"

"Make me."

It was childish I knew but I was done with being subjected to her nonsense. Walking away from the table I went back to my room closing the door soundly behind me.

0-0-0

"Hey, James, how do you get a nun pregnant?"

"I don't know Laurent, how do you?"

"Dress her up as an Altar boy!" They all laughed.

Now that was just beyond _sick_. Grinding my teeth together I listened to them cackle at their table across the cafeteria all dishing out high fives, puffing out their chests and cheering each other on, like Goddamn animals. Laurent threw me a roguish smirk as he continued to pat James on the back, laughing at that lame joke.

Shaking my head I held my fork tightly, it nearly bent under the pressure.

"Just ignore them," Edward said gently, letting his hand slid over mine.

It was nearly impossible to ignore someone who was screaming their homophobic views in your ear. It was a disgusting and I hated being near them and having to hear such revulsion coming from their mouths.

They were attacking us verbally.

"Gay guys are fucking assholes. _Literally_," James said loudly.

I snarled, anger boiling in my veins as the rest of the guys pretended they didn't hear the hateful words those guys were nearly yelling at us. Our so called friends just sat there avoiding eye contact with us, eating their lunch as if nothing was happening, as if we weren't being degraded in front of everyone. Glaring daggers at Laurent, I hoped he knew just how lucky he was I wasn't storming over there to beat the shit out of him for Edward's sake. But if I had a chance I'd gladly smash his face into the ground.

"Yeah, Edward's right," Emmett said cautiously. "They're just trying to get a rise out of you."

"Well," I said clenching my jaw. "It's fucking working."

"Relax, baby," Edward whispered.

Huffing, I threw my fork onto the table, tossing my tray aside I ripped my hand away from Edward's and continued to glower at James and Laurent. For a second, Edward looked hurt but he just sighed and went back to eating his lunch.

"How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Laurent questioned, smiling widely we locked eyes, with a sinister expression. "Nobody….? Okay….." He taunted, pausing for effect. "One...but it takes half the ER staff to get it out."

Abruptly I stood, hands fists at my sides.

Edward quickly seized my arm and stopped me from going over there to beat him to a bloody pulp. Laurent gave a hearty laugh when he saw me standing, opening his arms he jeered for me to do something. Fury knotting in my stomach, spreading like a cancer through my body, eating me alive until there was nothing left but this thing inside me.

I was so mad.

Without thinking I took my tray filled with food on it and threw it onto the floor near Laurent's feet. The juice I had been drinking splattered on the floor, soaking a few bystanders. The rest of the food went flying, some of it ended up on the loser's at Laurent's table. In that moment the entire cafeteria stilled, anticipating a fight to break out. With my fist clenched tightly I was waiting for his next move. Instead he stood there with his friends a little shell shocked, until his face transformed into fury.

"You fucking piece of shit."

"Come see what the _faggot_ can do," I sneered, taking a threatening step forward.

Edward stood, then placed a firm hand on my chest.

Turning to look at him, I caught the beseeching look in his eyes, and with great reluctance I let him take my hand and lead us out of the lunchroom. Following after him, I felt some of the rage leave my body, now that I was away from those guys and away from the situation. When we reached our lockers Edward kept walking, confused I wanted to ask him where we were going but thought better of it. We walked for a few minutes, before he lead us to an empty classroom, opened the door and turned on the lights.

Releasing my hand, he stood in front of me with his arms crossed.

"What?" I asked when he didn't speak.

"What the fuck was that?" He spat.

I rolled my eyes. "You dragged me all the way here to ask that?"

"Yes," He hissed. "I told you to ignore them."

"I'm not _you_," I replied, pointing my finger at his chest. "I can't just sit there and do nothing while those assholes make homophobic jokes!"

"Homophobic…?" He said slowly.

Quizzically I stared at him. "Yes….homophobic…."

"Sorry but I'm having a hard time….I mean…..Shit." He cursed. "Listen, you aren't the only person who goes to this school! I have to endure this too."

"I know."

"Then why don't you think of anyone else besides _yourself_ for once!"

I sighed. "So, you're mad that I stuck up for myself?"

"No, I'm mad that you continued to piss off a guy you know wants to beat you up. Jasper, you aren't….don't get mad at me but, you aren't a man…._biologically_ you aren't and if he were to put his hands on you that would be assault against a women…."

I stared at him incredulous.

The logical part of me understood what he was saying but all I could really focus on was the fact that Edward didn't think I was a man and that I couldn't take care of myself when it came to Laurent.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" I snarled, shoving him hard.

"You know what I mean!" He said.

"I'm not a fucking women Edward!"

"I just meant that biologically, you are."

"Fuck you." I spat. "I don't need you telling me what I can and cannot do! I can fight him if I damn well please and you can just stay the fuck out of it like you usually do!" I screamed in his face.

Edward didn't respond, he just stared at me astounded.

Moving around him, I went to the door and stormed out of the room.

I felt fucking betrayed, after I had showed him my vulnerability and my body he still didn't consider me as his equal. Walking quickly through the hallways, I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to keep my emotions at bay. Our entire argument had been so stupid but I felt like I had been punched in the gut, I fought the tears as I went to my locker and grabbed my things. Stuffing them into my book bag I threw it over my shoulder and continued walking, ignoring the rumors and the people whispering behind my back.

"Jasper…?" Emmett called, but I continued to push my way through the school's double doors. I felt like I was being flooded with emotions and I knew right then I just wanted to be alone. Emmett's voice faded into the background when I got outside and strolled to my car, ready to leave this horrible place. Getting into my car I slammed the door shut, thrust the key into the ignition and drove like a maniac to my house. This whole day was just getting worse and worse and I knew on top of everything I had said to Laurent, Edward was the one who suffered when it came to my temper.

Gripping the steering wheel tightly I cursed under my breath realizing that I'd have to apologize sometime soon to him, but the way I saw it was that he was being a fucking coward letting those goons walk all over him. This wasn't the sixteenth century where being gay was unheard of, we had the right to be out and proud, just like anyone else. Slamming my foot on the gas I ignored the speed limits, making it to my house in record time. After parking in the driveway I quickly got out and let myself into the house, going straight to my room. Throwing the door open I picked up my gym bag, tossing a change of clothes in before grabbing my boxing gloves. My blood was pumping, the adrenaline flowed through me, and I knew I had to work out or else I'd hurt someone.

When I reached the gym I was glad to see it nearly empty, since it was the middle of the day I went straight to the punching bag, doing a few stretches I warmed up my arms and legs.

"Hey Jazz," Peter said smiling. "What are you doing here? Don't you have school?" He crossed his massive arms over his chest; the guy was built like a brick house of solid muscle. Not to mention he wasn't unattractive either, hazel eyes, nearly black tousled hair.

"Yeah….free class," I muttered, stretching my arms.

"You want me to hold the bag for you?" He offered. "I can help you out since I'm pretty much free right now,"

"Okay," I said, I continued stretching before pulling on my gloves.

"Alright man," He said holding the large punching bag. "Start off slow, remember your frame."

I nodded, rolling my neck, jogging on the spot.

He looked at me for a second but just shrugged. "Let's go."

I threw the first punch which started off soft, conserving energy I continued to hit the bag lightly, letting the force flow through my arms instead of focusing on my fist. With gathering vigour, I alternated my fists letting everything else fade away and directing all my anger onto the bag which started to transform into Laurent's smug face. Grunting, I put potency into the next couple of blows feeling my fury rise in my veins and I imagined what it would be like to have my fists connect to his face, smashing his nose, cracking bones, allowing the blood from underneath the skin to flow freely. I never considered myself a violent person, until now, he just knew how to get on my nerves. When Laurent's face transformed into Edward's I grew angrier, the frustration wrapping around my throat suffocating me.

Why couldn't he see how much I tried to fucking fit in?

Why couldn't he understand how much it hurt every time he undermined my physical agility, because I wasn't born a male?

Like that somehow made me inferior to him?

A small thought crept into my mind, it was dark, twisted, and even made my stomach turn in revulsion, but it took me awhile to realize that if our arguments about our sexuality persisted we wouldn't have anything left. I couldn't stay with him if he kept questioning my innermost feelings like this, I was equal, I am a man, and if he couldn't see this we literally had nowhere to go.

There was no fucking way we were going to last.

"Ah!" I hissed pulling my hand back.

"You okay man?"

"Yeah," I said hastily I tore off the glove, and saw that my left knuckles were turning pink, bruising, and the pain stung shooting up and down my arm.

"That's enough for today," Peter said eyeing me. "You seemed tense, something wrong?"

"Just my whole fucking life," I mumbled, taking off the other glove. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Come on asshole," Peter smiled. "I was just trying to help. You keep forgetting that I've known you for years, when you first came here this scrawny kid who couldn't even lift a five pound weight begging me to help him."

I laughed, remembering that. "Yeah, well, look at me now."

"Don't get cocky, sure you're lean and you've got some great muscles now, just remember don't push it. Are you drinking those protein shakes I gave you?"

"Yeah," I said running a hand through my sweaty hair.

"Good, soon you'll be bigger than me," Peter joked, slapping me on the back.

"Thanks man," I smirked. "I'm going to hit the showers I'll probably see you this weekend."

"Okay, give Edward my best."

"Alright, see ya," I gave him a short wave and started walking towards the men's shower room. Once I was inside I grabbed a stall, took off my breast binder and synthetic cock, and put it in my bag before I retreated quickly to the showers. I rarely showered in front of the guys just because it was really tricky to remove my breast binder without gathering suspicion but every once in a while, when the gym was empty I indulged myself. When I was done I got dressed quickly, grabbed my things and went home.

It was still pretty early, so I just sat on my bed doing my homework, listening to some old rock tunes. When I was halfway done I glanced over to my night table, frowning when I saw the strap on dildo I'd bought. Scratching my head I wondered what I should do with it now. Did it even make sense to keep it? Sure, some day I planned on fucking Edward, hard and fast. The thought of taking him up the ass, hearing him moan, thrusting deep inside him really turned me on.

How he'd quiver beneath me as I penetrated him, his legs thrown over my shoulders or him on all fours waiting to be taken. With his legs in the sky I could hear him screaming my name, telling me to fuck him harder, faster. I knew he didn't prefer to bottom but I knew he'd do it for me and if we ever did, I'd make sure he knew he'd been fucked. I'd take him so hard he'd feel me for days.

I'd want him to feel me for days.

Then maybe he'd scream; _give it to be, baby, give it to me motherfucker_.

I smile thinking about that, yes, having Edward would be a beautiful thing. Just then my phone rang, pulling me out of my erotic fantasies.

"Speak of the devil," I muttered checking the caller I.D.

"Yeah..?"

"Jasper," Edward said cautiously. "Look, I know you're mad at me—"

"I'm not mad," I replied. "I'm sorry for storming out on you, that was childish."

"Oh…Okay," He answered. "So we're good?"

"More than good….I have something for you," I said lying down on my bed.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I said letting my hand rest on my stomach. "I want to see if you can guess what it is, but first are you alone?"

"Yeah, I'm in my room," He chuckled.

"What are you wearing?"

"J-just my shirt and pants," He said. "Why?"

"Because…." I drawled, trailing my hand down to the front part of my jeans. "Okay, here's your first clue," I said breathing in deeply. "It's hard."

"Oh yeah..?" Edward asked his breath hitching. "How hard..?"

"Achingly so," I continued. "It's swollen even."

"Jasper," Edward said nearly panting. "We better be talking about sex or else I'm going to kill you."

I laughed. "Of course we are."

"Just making sure we are on the same page."

"I'll have to show you the next time we're together," I told him. "But believe me, you won't be disappointed."

"I never am with you," Edward said softly. "Listen, baby, about today, I know you think it was cowardly not to stand up to those guys. But I just need you to understand that violence is not something you should ever aspire to"

"I know and I'm sorry for making things awkward for you."

"It's okay," Edward said. "I have to go, I think my mom's calling me for dinner."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too bye."

0-0-0

"What?" I ask looking at Edward like he had grown another head.

"Jasper….I want to study Music, Julliard is the best school in the country. .If I get in it will be the opportunity of a lifetime," Edward announced while we were in the library the next day, studying for our midterms.

"But….I mean….that's great… but… why didn't you talk to me about it?"

Insecurity was gnawing at my nerves, I felt hot and cold at the same time. I knew it was getting close to our senior year and we needed to start thinking about what school we'd like to attend, but the fact that Edward told me instead of discussing it was disheartening.

"You mean like you were going to tell me about your top surgery?" He snapped back, it was an unfair argument, and we both knew it.

"Are you going to keep throwing that in my face?"

"I'm not," He answered, coolly turning his face away from me. "I just want to know why you decided to make such a huge decision without me."

"That," I said tersely. "Is about my body, _this_, is about you moving halfway across the fucking country!"

"Keep your voice down," He hissed, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to our conversation. "For my dreams, Jasper, you more than anyone should know how important it is to chase them."

"Don't twist the argument."

"There is no argument." He said calmly. "It's just where I want to go, I haven't applied or gotten in yet so relax,"

"But….Edward please—"

"Please what? Oh, so now you want to be included in my plans?"

"Of course I do…I love you," I said gritting my teeth together. "This isn't a contest about how who can cut the other out of their life faster. I want to be included in your plans, I want to know where you're going to apply and I want to be a part of that decision."

Edward's face softened. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry for being such a jackass."

"It's okay….I was a jackass first."

He smirked. "Yeah, you were."

Playfully I smacked his arm. "Can we get back to studying now? I have a midterm due tomorrow."

"Sure baby," Edward said, as he grinned and threaded our hands together.

This conversation was far from over, but now wasn't the time to get into it. Plus, I didn't know where I wanted to go in the future. I wasn't like Edward when it came to music and I didn't really have a talent. Biting my lip, I realized that I was undecided when it came to my future, or anything else related to that. All I was focused on was becoming comfortable in my own skin, after that I didn't particularly care where I went to school and maybe if I was with Edward it wouldn't matter anymore.

All I knew was that I didn't want to live without him.

When our study period was over we walked out into the hall, our hands casually brushing against each other. It wasn't enough to turn heads but it was enough to make me feel secure and confident in our relationship. When we reached my locker I kissed him on the cheek before heading to my next and finally last class of the day.

When I got inside the room I sat beside Mike who was animatedly telling Tyler about his latest conquest, Jessica Stanley, who had apparently giving him a blow job in the back seat of his car. The whole entire conversation was disgusting, yet at the same time very intriguing. The bell rang and I got up to leave class quickly, dodging the students I went to my locker and as I was walking I happen to bypass Laurent and his friends, casually leaning against their lockers.

"Hey, Jasper, what do you call a homosexual dentist?" Laurent teased. "Hmm, give up? A tooth fairy."

I froze, gripping the strap on my bag tightly.

Fighting wasn't something I wanted to do, but this guy was pushing all my buttons. His homophobic attitude was enough to send me into a blind rage.

"How long did it take you to come up with that one?"

"He speaks," Laurent joke, crossing his arms over his massive chest. "Where is Gayzilla and Twinkle Toes? Still on the football team trying to lose as many brain cells as human possible?"

"Fuck off," I growled. "I'm not in the mood today."

"Too bad," Laurent said his smile widening. "I couldn't give two shits if you were."

Turning around slowly I walked right up to him, eyes blazing. "Maybe the question you should really be asking is why the fuck do you care so much?"

"Watch it Whitlock," Laurent threatened. "If I kick your ass I'd be doing the school a solid favor."

I could have walked away, I could have told him to go fuck himself and went to find Edward, but instead I didn't. Today I choose to fight back and it didn't matter if I got myself in trouble because nobody cared anyway.

"Is that so?" I taunted. "Well, good luck with that."

He scoffed. "You so fucking scrawny, I'd wipe the floor with your ass. It wouldn't even be much of a fight; I'd have a better fight with my own _sister_."

White heat unlocked my muscles and I glared at the mother fucker. Breathing in through my nose I could feel the anger rising rapidly.

"Where's your butt buddy Whitlock?" James laughed, coming to stand beside his friend.

I glowered at both of them almost ready to pounce.

"Fuck off Hall," Mike sneered, standing beside me, we briefly caught eyes and he nodded, silently telling me that he had my back no matter what. "Nobody gives a shit about your ignorance man."

"Wow," James said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Hanging out with fairies has made you soft."

"I'd prefer their company to yours any day," Mike said. "So fuck off."

James chuckled rolling his eyes. "Whatever, you guys are polluting my air anyway."

"Take your idiot comments and go fuck yourself with them," I spat.

"Oh, no," Laurent smirked, nudging James. "I think we hit a nerve, you know I should just kick your ass for spilling that drink on me the other day."

I scoffed. "Go ahead and try loser."

Laurent stepped forward, his lip curled over his teeth. "Don't test me _fag_."

"Stop threatening and do something _bitch_," I continued, getting in his face.

Laurent's hard eyes stared back. "I wouldn't want you to hurt your limp wrist."

We were head to head, both of us fuming ready to fight. The air sizzled and crackled around us; the students stopped and stared anticipating our next move. I could feel the anger, mixed with hatred and resentment wafting off of Laurent and I realized that this is exactly what he wanted. Purposefully he used his words to claw and tear at my skin until I broke down; becoming nothing but a raging animal ready to fight. I glanced at Mike, his stance mirrored mine, ready for a fight; we had no fear, no doubt, _all in balls out_.

I smirked, it was twisted—placating before my fist swung through the air.

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**A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews I received for the last chapter! And another big thanks to Beanothercullen for editing this chapter for me! Plus, if you haven't already please check out my new story La Push Falls! **


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